FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"District 9" out of 10 aliens must be related to Predator

Babe-factor blowed, but really loved District 9 and loathed the thought of turning into a crustacean from space.  Guess that was the point and drove the thriller through to the very end.  But really, that ewes me out.  Turning into this guy and all.  Not sure I'd go so far as to choppin' off my thumber or anything whack like that, I mean, that would sting like sh*t.  I also wouldn't risk using a cell phone when Jean-Claude Van Damme's evil clone and military commander is on the hunt... that would be down-right st*pid.  But goin' right into the lion's den, a la Christian Slater into Gary Oldman's in True Romance, well, that sh*t's classic, so count me in.  Guess bein' part alien could be exciting after all.

If you have yet to see this, you haven't a clue as to what I'm talkin' about.  No matter 'cause this movie is extremely original with the sole exception of the alien look and style also along with the signature gurgling and clicking voice of Predator, so you'll want to see it and go while it's in all its glory on the big screen.  Not that it is particularly beautiful to look at, rather, it's just helpful in transporting you into a world that you frighteningly will recognize -- the setting and the circumstance (al beit the oppression is upon a, er, person with a different skin... green, fleshy and slimy).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Moon" has a dark side

Have you ever seen the crappy movie with Tom Hanks (yeah, I know, which one?), Cast Away?  Tom's a survivor in a FedEx plane crash and lives off the fat of the contents for a couple years.  He goes a little k-Nutter Butter and starts talking to a volley ball?  Well, Moon, a directorial debut starring Sam Rockwell as an operational employee of a giant mining conglomerate has him solo-stationed on the moon along with a monotoned robot (yeah, that also sounds familiar) voiced by Kevin Spacey, is a movie much like Cast Away, but much, much better.  And darker.  After a few years, in a great performance btw, Sam is supposed to get relieved on his mission and reunited with his family.  What ends up happening is, Sam gets reunited with himself.  Is he k-Nutter Butter himself?  Or is the robot f-ing with him?  Or is there some conspiracy?

These are just a few of the questions one asks himself after being alone for such lengths (along with "why are my palms hairy?").  The film is extremely slow and contemplative and trippy.  It's a solid movie that you'll enjoy if you aren't signing up for a sci-fi action flick.  Be prepared to think and bum out a bit.  It will keep you guessing (which is about the extent of the "fun" that you'll have with it).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Star Trek" and I are from the future

Have been wanting to go see the J.J. Abrams' Star Trek movie in theaters.  Used to watch the original series when I was a kid quite a bit.  I'm not a total "Trekkie" or anything, and I probably have seen some of the movies over the years (and never got into Generations).  So in order to prepare myself, I thought I'd rent one of the movies to get psyched up.  Did some searches to find out Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is supposedly the best.  Phuck me with a phaser... that movie blows.  Twas bummed out on the franchise but decided to go see the new one anyway starring Eric Bana and Winona Ryder (who I dig) along with a bunch of noobs like Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Anton Yelchin, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg and John Cho.

Leonard Nimoy also plays a big part (and was cool) but J.J. is the star in this trek... just look at the pic above... it's awesome to look at.  And the action and fun and the references are all perfect.  It's got a great story that is a bit of a mindbender, and the way they handled Kirk's backstory and the foundation for his cocky attitude, genius.  This movie has the tongue and cheek and has gotten rid of all the schlock... loved it... see for yourself... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Bedtime Stories" and wet dreams

Now and then I feel obligated to review a kids movie because there's really nothing better than kickin' it with your kids or cousins with some popcorn and some laughs.  Generally, I can stomach the animated movies (ie Pixar for sure), and also, I'm pretty stoked when I can find a PG-rated, Saturday Night Live-alum flick.  Adam Sandler has owned the PG-13 realm for some time, and so I'm now happy to report he's just recently stepped onto the wonderful world of Disney, with Bedtime Stories.  The movie is pretty good and nicely taps his brand of goof and tendency to want to speak in marble mouth.

And Guy Pierce is in this as well, of whom, I bagged on in last week's review.  Here, he's got way more personality as a pompous gold digger, so I may slowly start letting him back into my list of go-to actors.  The story is just charming enough and almost clever enough (a take on stories affecting reality, blah, blah, blah) to keep you at full attention.  But what keeps you glued to the screen is the totally, smokin' hottie, Paris Hilton-spoof character played by Teresa Palmer.  OMFG!  I would let her tuck me in, any time.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Watchman" *ss and watchwoman n*ps

 

Wow!  I f-ing loved Watchman.  I've been begging the movie-making Gods to please bring me a sci-fi movie that is even sort of as close to being as interesting as The Matrix.  Had I predicted that ten years later it would be a God with a name of Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) that would come in the form of a glowing, blue, naked man with a digitally enhanced schlong, maybe I would have stopped praying.  Glad I didn't because this movie rocked.  (Though maybe they could have quid pro quo digitally enhanced Carla Gugino's skeeter bites in equally engorged proportions as Crudup's noodle... oh well... Carla, as Silk Spectre, is still smokin' hot and brought out of obscurity and likely captured the desires of many-a-mortal man wanting to super-f the sh*t out of her.)

The film is an adaptation of the critically acclaimed graphic novel of the same name, and visually, has replicated cells of the novel directly into frames of the movie.  Amazing.  And the unwieldy story, that's been tossed around Hollywood for 20 years as an impossibility to bring to the screen, has finally been tastefully (besides all the man *ss), respectfully and thrillingly brought to life.  Kudos to director Zack Snyder (who also brought us 300).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Animatrix" for those who take the blue pill AND the red pill

 

I've been blogging on movies I love for almost six months now.  That's nothing compared to some of the blog mavericks like Gawker.com, TheSuperficial.com, BoingBoing.net or even some of the newer, instant classics like HipsterRunnoff.com.  But I can tell you, it already seems like a long time, so silly as it sounds, I thought I'd pay homage to my first post... for one of my all-time favorite movies, The Matrix (not a particularly good post I might add), for which I simply can't get enough.  There obviously are also two sequels which paled in comparison, but when pitted against most of the other sci-fi fare that's regurgitated by the Hollywood machine, they are still rock solid.  However, many people seemed to have missed the animated series of shorts that are a great way to really fill up on your Matrix lore, The Animatrix.

These film shorts are amazing.  They'll remind you of Ghost in the Shell, Heavy Metal and Aeon Flux, but of course, feature Trinity, Neo and the familiar cast of machines and characters that fill the back-story to that special place we all know and love.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Transformers" and Megan Fox are well-oiled machines

I've been avoiding the Transformers movie like the plague because, come on, I think the toy concept is the stupidest f-ing thing to ever hit shelves, and I'm insulted that the world somehow disagrees with me and has made Hasbro a gazillion dollars from them.  And the thought that director Michael Bay and whomever else would devote over a hundred million dollars to turn 'em into a movie (and then it makes a bazillion dollars) just pisses me off.

Then I met Megan Fox.  Her eyes are a Banff, Lake Louise, milky emerald blue, so the thought of a two hour and twenty minute movie with her seemed blissful.  And, wow!  They've given her an oily sheen in every single scene and on every inch of her body from her calves to her belly to her cheeks, and I know it smells like stripper vanilla.  Ugh.  Enough of her before I get reported by the authorities.  But almost nearly as amazing to look at was the Transformers' transformation sequences.  Each are happening in the midst of some other dramatic fly-in or other bit of unleashed inertia, and they last three times longer than even seem possible.  Incredible... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Alien" 4-play is better than sex

Sigourney Weaver and no-holds-barred, top-of-the-stack directors are common threads among the Alien film franchise.  Four films were made thus far (starting out in 1979 with the last in 1997), so I'm wondering who has the b*lls to try to continue this solid run... beyond Sigourney that is... she seems to have bigger cojones than anything in the universe and may well be a dude for all I know (btw, what the f*ck kind of name is that anyway).  And yes, I'm completely ignoring the whole Alien vs. Predator piece of sh*t knock off of Godzilla vs. "x" schlock.

Ridley Scott poked the first installment out out of the belly and right onto the screen with Oscar-winning technical grace.  James Cameron was behind the helm of the unsinkable ship and continuing the Academy Award-action-packed sequel, Aliens.  And for Alien 3, David Fincher makes a solid play but nothing compared to his three follow-up films: Seven, The Game, and Fight Club.  Finishing up just a little limp as well (and certainly compared to his other visionary works) with the fourth known dimension of the series, Alien Resurrection, is Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie and City of Lost Children among others).  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Primer" is the first layer (of fungus on my brain?)

Primer is an interesting movie to say the least.  It's probably the lowest budget sci-fi movie that's ever been made.  Props on that accomplishment.  David Sullivan and Shane Carruth are two engineers who are building something, but there's so much mumbo-jumbo, techno kung fu talk, that I'm not exactly sure if it was mumbo jumbo or even what the f*ck they set out to build.  The point is, it really doesn't matter.  Although they didn't intend to build a time machine, that's what they surprisingly ended up with.  They, obviously, try to use it to cash in on the stock market, but as you can imagine, things can get a little messy when you even think about the space-time continuum -- let alone smush yourself and a buddy through it.

Shane wrote and directed the film.  The concept he came up with is clever, I think (the theory might be Nobel prize-winning physics for all I know).  And the casual filming style and the overlapping dialog and the fact that it's totally low-fi makes it feel very real, and ultimately, makes the science of it all seem plausible.  Unfortunately, for me, there's so many words packed into this movie and bumping into each other that my brain tends to twitch a bit and kinda freezes up.  Whit Stillman movies (Barcelona and Metropolitan) cause the same malfunction for me as well.  Woody Allen films seem to represent my words per movie processing cap.  Maybe I can have these guys build an accelerator for my noodle.  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Brazil" is a trip

For those of you too young to know much about the British comedy troupe, Monty Python, you also probably won't have heard of Terry Gilliam -- member and animator for the bonkers bunch of blokes.  He turned director for a giant cult film that carries their strange and snakey name that I won't spend any time on today, rather, on Brazil -- a surreal, bureaucratic dystopia that is far stranger than what Terry was able to conjure up to date.

But yet, he surely wasn't close to where we are today either -- a quarter century into the future from when he created the film.  Actually, Gilliam was really putting a lens on the movie that had the Orwellian perspective of the future from the late 40's (I think) -- well more than half a century into the future from George's 1984.  I don't believe anyone has quite imaged quite accurately where we've ended up.

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Bob Hoskins, Robert De Niro, Michael Palin and Jonathan Pryce are all in the movie.  It hardly matters who's in it though, the vision and imagery take you to places and times that transcend the flesh and blood of the actors and of what your synapses are likely able to process.  I look around at the pollution, the terrorism and the vanity of where we are today and think, after watching this movie, "there's no place like home."  Awesome movie.

"Children of Men" or child of woman

I really want to find a great science fiction film that's different and exciting.  Children of Men can't quite pull that off, but it is pretty f-ing scary for the simple fact that it could happen, and it could start tomorrow.  Any sort of pandemic is so possible.  Ugh.

Here, Clive Owen and the rest of the population are just waiting until they all die off because women stopped having babies for some f*ing reason around eight years ago.  Now that's great and all for not having to worry about contraceptives, but for human existence, it kinda s*cks.  Ultimately, as you'll see in the trailer, he finds a pregnant woman.

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Some great scenes in here though.  The one when they're all in the car is a white-knuckler.  And running through a war zone with a baby in your arms is pretty intense, in fact, it's almost too overwhelming.  Michael Caine plays a hippie dude that's pretty groovy.  By the end, you'll really want to contribute to mankind and a new mission statement: impregnate or die.  Julianne Moore's in it too.  She'll do.

"Cloverfield" is Blair Witch on crack

I'm not sure why Cloverfield struck me as such an incredible movie.  It's basically The Blair Witch Project meets Godzilla, but that combo and how they thread a real-life drama into the order of the videos on the "Cloverfield" is really pretty interesting in and of itself.  Full disclosure: I did happen to be at the Sundance Film Festival when Blair Witch premiered (was one of those "wish-I-were-a-film-maker moments of my life"), so I may hold some unfair bias to appreciate the pseudo-reality, first-person, low-fi, video-tape-captured movie format/gimmick (albeit herky jerky).

This movie, however, is a major production from the hands of Lost and Alias super-producer, J.J. Abrams, so you need to expect a lot.  And again, this one totally delivers.  The most amazing monster you've ever seen, a well executed gimmick as noted above, an ending that is tragic/satisfying, awesome special effects and lots of "beautiful people" including Jessica Lucas and, er, Mike Vogel among others.

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  You'll be riddled with anxiety after watching this.  Hope you enjoy it.

"28 Days Later"... f*ck... a lot can change nowadays in a month

Director Danny Boyle takes us into some serious sh*t in 28 Days Later.  He's got a couple of great movies beneath his belt (like the incredible Trainspotting and the one in theaters that everyone's talking about, Slumdog Millionaire), so you can trust me when I say this is not your ordinary zombie flick.

See... I'm not really a huge fan of horror in general, and I've really yet to appreciate the campy zombie sub-genre, so when someone told me this one was a great movie, I was very skeptical.  First off, those eyes are not your typical dank and vacant eyes of your typical zombie that even Michael Jackson can outsmart.  Rather, these deadbeats are wily animals that move at the speed and collective volume as a scurrying pack of sewer rats.  Totally different than what we've been conditioned to expect.  That alone is totally f*cked up and scary.  What's happening is... some virus is in people's blood and turns them into these crazy animals, and if a drop simply touches your skin, you've got a good 20 seconds to eat a bowl of Chunky Monkey 'cause you gonna be eatin' chunky Bob, Sue and Harry after that.

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  It's a good story and Cillian Murphy is great, as he leads the way... but I gotta say... he's kind of a creepy and f-ed up lookin' dude if you ask me.  Anyway, the rest of this movie is chilling and suspenseful as well, so plan to sh*t in your pants and be ready to apologize to your babe if you happen to jump in her lap you p*ssy.

"The Island" with Scarlett IS like hitting the lotto!

Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson and a gaggle of other well behaved inhabitants are part of an indoor, futuristic, Utopian, hermetically-sealed community with the hopes of winning the lotto (literally) in order to move to an outdoor paradise, aptly called, The Island.

Michael Bay directs and, along with Scarlett, the movie looks flawless and slick and is packed with tons of action too.  Michael Clarke Duncan adds loads of muscle and Djimon Hounsou adds to the good looks... thank God the scrawney, snaggle-toothed Steve Buscemi is in Utopia, so us normal looking people know we could at least have a seat at the table in this time/place called the future.

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  There are a couple of surprises in the film which are great, and even though the movie is kind of broken into two separate parts, it keeps up the pace and the thrills, and for me, the hope that I could possibly, somehow, maybe end up stranded on an island with Scarlett [with nothing but tanning oil].  Oh sh*t.  Did I just say that out loud?

"WALL-E" and EVE sittin' in a tree

Hey dudes.  The holidays are upon us, and you'll surely have to buy some cousins or little bro's or your illegitimates some stocking stuffers... what better than something you can enjoy a bit yourself?  WALL-E is Pixar's latest brick in the business of animation domination.  Obviously, they have the leading films in the space, as I noted in my review of the non-Pixar digital toon, Monster House.

This one is about the last "being" on earth, WALL-E, who's a clunky robot with a fetish for hand holding.  In comes EVE, a hard boiled hottie as far as WALL-E's concerned, and he's bound and determined to crack her if it's the last thing he does (or anyone does for that matter).  (Note: not to get totally sophomoric on you, but I did find it a little amusing that the female robot was in the shape of an egg and thought it would have added a bit if the male one was a little more sperm-like in shape.)  The movie has its challenges since there's hardly a single word of dialogue, and it's subject matter is primarily a statement on the human condition (or ultimate lack of conditioning).

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  So I'm not sure the kids are going to absolutely love this heady movie, but it may set the stage for some serious questions that you can field and no doubt impress yourself with having an intellectual edge over your audience.  Or, if you find that topic a little challenging, maybe just gift this director's other flick, Finding Nemo, and try to explain your way around the death of Nemo's mom in the first five minutes.  Yeah... that's what I thought.  Just stick with WALL-E and make up some sh*t about space and time and the meaning of life.

"Mars Attacks!"... ack, ack!

As promised, it's time for an alien invasion.  Some great movies to pick from, but thought it would be nice to dive into Tim Burton's spoof on 50's sci-fi, Mars Attacks!.  This film has a list of stars that can measure up to Milton Berle's swinging rock-in-a-sock: Jack Nicholson, Annette Benning, Danny DeVito, Sarah Jessica Parker, Glenn Close, Pierce Brosnan, Martin Short,  Michael J. Fox and Natalie Portman to name a few.  And with composer extraordinaire Danny Elfman, first famous for being the Oingo Boingo big toe, teaming once again with Burton, Mars is packed with talent AND sounds great.

But with all that length to show for it, it's these short aliens with these bulbous noggins that steal the show.  First time I saw them, it nearly knocked me out of my chair with how they walk, and certainly, how they talk -- f*cking hilarious.  Fred Norris, the audio production and impressionist madman from the Howard Stern Show, has since ingrained that voice into my pea brain by way of a sound bite that he drops into Howard 100 every time one of the whack packers calls into the show (which is genius in its own right).

Back to the movie, I'm quite sure you'll find a lot worth commenting on with this film.  And its cult status tells you that if it falls flat with you on the first viewing, just try it three more times in a row like your good ol' buddy FilmBender just did this weekend.  Your brain will be fried and your gut will ache from the chuckles you make, and you'll sound like an alien yourself... ack, ack!

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  So warning!  Next time you hear that aliens may be invading, proceed to the welcome party with caution, and possibly, a little more protection than a bag of Reese's Pieces.