FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"The Haunting in Connecticut" will scare your b*tch *ss back to Kokomo

So... I'm just now looking up the MPAA Rating for this movie because it is scary as sh*t, and someone just told me it was PG-13!  The film's generically called, The Haunting in Connecticut, AND it happens to also posses the confusingly similar name of another film of the same subject from a few years earlier called A Haunting in Connecticut!... now that sh*t just p*sses me right off!!  I mean, how in the f*ck can that happen?!... being both so unoriginal and yet so crafty that you can totally avoid copyright, trademark and/or whatever other law or governing body that should certainly have c*ckblocked a name infringement as obvious as that.  Well, anyway, if I can get myself out of this raging tangent, I'd like to compliment those unoriginal f*cks on making one h*ll of a scary movie.  I mean, this new one, creeped me out like crazy.  AND, maybe I saw some unrated version or something, or possibly I'm just a p*ssy, but this thing I saw certainly would give a z*t popper nightmares which would likely lead to a hall pass straight to middle school's most horrific wasteland -- the unpopular group.

Seriously, the film is super scary (which I love), but also, it is super graphic (which I'm not a huge fan of).  In fact, this crazy ectoplasm scene (shown in pic) is nothing at all (btw... that's the stuff that's supposed to ooze from the orifices of mediums during a seance [yeah, right]).  And I assume those wiley producers that stole the title of the movie are also throwing around their legal phantasms by way of cease and desist orders or something to bloggers putting up any more interesting pictures from the movie than this one because there are plenty of visuals that are way more interesting.  In an effort to reduce any spoilage and to keep the litigious specters from showing up in my inbox, I'll refrain posting any of those pix and just let you watch the also-cleansed movie trailer and read on because...

"Star Trek" and I are from the future

Have been wanting to go see the J.J. Abrams' Star Trek movie in theaters.  Used to watch the original series when I was a kid quite a bit.  I'm not a total "Trekkie" or anything, and I probably have seen some of the movies over the years (and never got into Generations).  So in order to prepare myself, I thought I'd rent one of the movies to get psyched up.  Did some searches to find out Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is supposedly the best.  Phuck me with a phaser... that movie blows.  Twas bummed out on the franchise but decided to go see the new one anyway starring Eric Bana and Winona Ryder (who I dig) along with a bunch of noobs like Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Anton Yelchin, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg and John Cho.

Leonard Nimoy also plays a big part (and was cool) but J.J. is the star in this trek... just look at the pic above... it's awesome to look at.  And the action and fun and the references are all perfect.  It's got a great story that is a bit of a mindbender, and the way they handled Kirk's backstory and the foundation for his cocky attitude, genius.  This movie has the tongue and cheek and has gotten rid of all the schlock... loved it... see for yourself... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Bedtime Stories" and wet dreams

Now and then I feel obligated to review a kids movie because there's really nothing better than kickin' it with your kids or cousins with some popcorn and some laughs.  Generally, I can stomach the animated movies (ie Pixar for sure), and also, I'm pretty stoked when I can find a PG-rated, Saturday Night Live-alum flick.  Adam Sandler has owned the PG-13 realm for some time, and so I'm now happy to report he's just recently stepped onto the wonderful world of Disney, with Bedtime Stories.  The movie is pretty good and nicely taps his brand of goof and tendency to want to speak in marble mouth.

And Guy Pierce is in this as well, of whom, I bagged on in last week's review.  Here, he's got way more personality as a pompous gold digger, so I may slowly start letting him back into my list of go-to actors.  The story is just charming enough and almost clever enough (a take on stories affecting reality, blah, blah, blah) to keep you at full attention.  But what keeps you glued to the screen is the totally, smokin' hottie, Paris Hilton-spoof character played by Teresa Palmer.  OMFG!  I would let her tuck me in, any time.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Transformers" and Megan Fox are well-oiled machines

I've been avoiding the Transformers movie like the plague because, come on, I think the toy concept is the stupidest f-ing thing to ever hit shelves, and I'm insulted that the world somehow disagrees with me and has made Hasbro a gazillion dollars from them.  And the thought that director Michael Bay and whomever else would devote over a hundred million dollars to turn 'em into a movie (and then it makes a bazillion dollars) just pisses me off.

Then I met Megan Fox.  Her eyes are a Banff, Lake Louise, milky emerald blue, so the thought of a two hour and twenty minute movie with her seemed blissful.  And, wow!  They've given her an oily sheen in every single scene and on every inch of her body from her calves to her belly to her cheeks, and I know it smells like stripper vanilla.  Ugh.  Enough of her before I get reported by the authorities.  But almost nearly as amazing to look at was the Transformers' transformation sequences.  Each are happening in the midst of some other dramatic fly-in or other bit of unleashed inertia, and they last three times longer than even seem possible.  Incredible... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Brazil" is a trip

For those of you too young to know much about the British comedy troupe, Monty Python, you also probably won't have heard of Terry Gilliam -- member and animator for the bonkers bunch of blokes.  He turned director for a giant cult film that carries their strange and snakey name that I won't spend any time on today, rather, on Brazil -- a surreal, bureaucratic dystopia that is far stranger than what Terry was able to conjure up to date.

But yet, he surely wasn't close to where we are today either -- a quarter century into the future from when he created the film.  Actually, Gilliam was really putting a lens on the movie that had the Orwellian perspective of the future from the late 40's (I think) -- well more than half a century into the future from George's 1984.  I don't believe anyone has quite imaged quite accurately where we've ended up.

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Bob Hoskins, Robert De Niro, Michael Palin and Jonathan Pryce are all in the movie.  It hardly matters who's in it though, the vision and imagery take you to places and times that transcend the flesh and blood of the actors and of what your synapses are likely able to process.  I look around at the pollution, the terrorism and the vanity of where we are today and think, after watching this movie, "there's no place like home."  Awesome movie.

"Heavenly Creatures" and hellish circumstance

Peter Jackson is now known as a demi-God with his Lord of the Rings trilogy, but not too long before he was known as a master of horror with a few gory movies that started out his career.  But right in between he just happened to become the almighty of Heavenly Creatures -- a true story set in 1950's New Zealand that surrounded the entangled lives of two teen girls that resulted in brutal matricide.

Melanie Lynskey plays a quiet and creative teen who finds inspiration with the beautiful and confident Kate Winslet.  The combination of these two imaginations becomes a tour de force that gets everyone's juices flowing and cracks open thighs and reality to reveal a side of these two young ladies that know one ever thought be possible.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  It's violent, surreal, sexy, shocking and interesting... check out the trailer.  This is really one of those brick-in-the-back-of-the-head movies that hits you hard -- original and incredible.  It takes the "forever" part of BFF to a whole new level.

"V for Vendetta" and "S" for St*pid Mask

Natalie Portman just had to start out as a kid actress (awesome movie, The Professional) and then move into becoming an unsexy Star Wars action-less figure.  That just taints her hotness for me for some reason.  But she's still hot.  And then in this movie,  V for Vendetta, she gets beat up and shaven bald.  Again here, tough to make her look unattractive no matter how hard her career has worked against her.  And then mother nature gave her a square jaw.  Tough luck Nat.  But regardless, she's stunning.

Thank God for that because, guys, if you had to stare at that f-ing goofy mask and Demi Moore-lookin' wig on V's head for the full 133 minutes, you'd smash the remote into your eye.  Wish they could have maybe deviated from whatever pre-conceived look the graphic novel required because it's down right silly and nearly ruined a perfect film.  Great story that surprises and drives and explodes and looks great except for you know what.  Check out the trailer.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Let's just pretend V put the mask and the wig in the closet instead -- overlook it -- and enjoy a killer movie.  Wonder how many more I can watch in a row without without actually dieing.  There is an answer to that, but am I brave enough to answer it?

"Pan's Labyrinth" is not for fairies

Unfortunately, it's not the monsters that likely have scared many away from Pan's Labyrinth, rather, the fact that it's a foreign language film.  But the critics and the Academy didn't shy away because this film scooped up its fair share of Oscars.

Beyond the monsters, you won't recognize any of the actors from this film.  Although they are great in their own regard, obviously, the visionary that built this movie is the true star.  That's director Guillermo del Toro.  F*cking brilliant.  The Mexican filmmaker came on the scene by spicing up the Wesley Snipes vampire franchise in Blade II but set the screen on fire with the red hot Hellboy.  Here he's got a young girl who stumbles upon and befriends the famous faun in charge of the decrepit maze... he makes predictions for her that only she can unravel.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Guys will dig this film -- trippy story, outrageous monsters, visual fantasy, war-time setting and nose crushing violence... not your typical kids fairy tale.

"The Rocketeer" and her missiles

It would be easy to pick a great movie that you've seen starring Jennifer Connelly: Blood Diamond, Little Children, House of Sand and Fog, and there's actually quite a few more.  But the challenge is to pick one that you haven't seen.  That movie is The Rocketeer.

But that's actually NOT the reason I selected this popcorn, action, sci-fi fantasy film.  And also, it's not because it has plenty of Hollywood insider references that I also love.  No.  It's because this PG-rated, Disney movie does a splendid job of showcasing Jennifer's juggernauts.  There's no nudity in this one... plenty of her nudie films out there if you need that.  Some are crap.  Be sure to watch Mulholland Falls or Requiem for a Dream if you're dead set on seeing skin and a whole lot more.  I'm sure Mr. Skin can get you all the details if you just want to "fast forward to the good parts."

Anyway, this movie just makes you want to see 'em... there must be some Nazi mind control happening or something.  But for sure, The Fuhrer and his men have lost track of a jet pack that lends to helping turn this into a superhero flick.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Oh yeah... and if you're into rockets... Timothy Dalton, Alan Arkin, Paul Sorvino, and Bill Campbell also star in it.

"Sin City" is my kinda neighborhood

Jessica Alba.  Wow.  If she were the only thing (I do realize I just objectified her to even another level) in this movie, I would still attempt to burn a hole in my cornea starring at it.  She is so hot that she must wear asbestos underpants.  The bloody, dark, frantic, and brutally ugly world that Sin City creates is instantly beautified and relaxed to a post-coital state of bliss when she's painted onto the screen.  But there is more to this movie than the siren...

There's the other sirens as well with cop killing and endless chase and gun-play set in a fantastic comic-book (er... graphic-novel) setting staged by Frank Miller that's co-directed by Robert Rodriguez -- infamous for the gritty cult hit, El Mariachi, supposedly made for $7k on his padre's American Express card.  But this movie is as slick as it gets with a budget that must be north of $70mil.

Countless scenes will blow you away with an incredible cast including Rutger Hauer, Bruce Willis, Brittany Murphy, Benicio Del Toro, and amazing characters created by Elijah Wood and Mickey Rourke.  Those two alone are almost as watchable as Alba in this film.  Well... not quite.

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews, but this clip isn't funny at all... d*mn... just drooled on my keyboard.

"Beowulf" is hard to spell

Ya start to bum out in the first few minutes of this movie -- all distracted with the fake faces.  I mean, every single thing looks real in this movie from the giggle to the dragon slayings.  Faces aren't great though... like the faces of characters in Shrek or something.  Total buzz kill.  You start wondering what idiot would ever decide to make Beowulf this way [digital animation].  Well, it's Robert Zemeckis, so maybe I should defer to his filmaking expertise.

Because when Angelina Jolie's character is introduced halfway into the thing, either I became desensitized to the animation or they put way more time into her mug.  Looks real and hot.  Thank God.

But she's not the reason this movie is awesome.  The story and "hero" aspect of it is amazing.  You start out feeling like what's-his-name is screwed and there's no chance in hell he could carve his way out of a wet paper bag, but towards the end, you know he can flippin' make sashimi out of anything with an, err, heartbeat.  Disbelief suspended.