FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"Seven Pounds" aren't nearly as many times that I'd like to pound her

Seven Pounds is the feature follow-up from the Pursuit of Happyness director Gabriele Muccino (and also starring Will Smith).  Not sure why "Happyness" is spelled like that in the prior dramatic tear-jerker, but with this one, he's got the spelling right, the tears flowin' again, and he's poured on the heat (with Rosario Dawson).  But something's missing.  Maybe it's a bit schmaltzy or hoaky when you boil Seven down to it's premise.  Maybe it's something being "off" in Will's plight to find a "good" man to receive his Pound.  I can't quite put my finger on it.

But there are definitely two things that make this movie totally worth watching, and I'd be superficial if I said it was Rosario's two juicy lips.  But she is one of the reasons.  Sure, Will does a fine job as always, but wow is she smokin' hot and ripe for a little helpin'.  She can act, and you totally believe that she steals Will's heart.  But the biggest thing about this movie that will totally bring it right home and totally rip your f*cking heart out is when you find out exactly why Will is so tortured.  It could happen to any of us.  You won't find out what I'm talking about here, but watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" he's gonna f Marisa Tomei

Marisa Tomei is really hot, can totally act and likes to get n*p naked in movies.  Bless her heart because in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, she's gonna get f*cked just like practically every single character in this incredible film.  The movie is an awesome train wreck of bad luck that will have you makin' diamonds outta your dingleberries.  Similar to Fargo regarding Murphy's Law and the tone except that since there are no funny accents, there's nothing really saving you from wanting to cut your wrists by the time this one's over.

The movie is violent, sexy and presented in a jumbled time-line that, although seems a bit exhaustive, ultimately works and feels contemporary.  I say this because the film is directed by an 82-year-old!  Sh*t... hope I'm able to just play cards and wipe my own *ss when I'm that age, but Sidney Lumet seems to totally still have what it takes.  Being critical, the old man hasn't really had much going on in terms of great movies since his grand slam in the early '70's -- Serpico, Murder on the Orient Express, Dog Day Afternoon, and Network.  Anyway, he's back... judge for yourself... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Moon" has a dark side

Have you ever seen the crappy movie with Tom Hanks (yeah, I know, which one?), Cast Away?  Tom's a survivor in a FedEx plane crash and lives off the fat of the contents for a couple years.  He goes a little k-Nutter Butter and starts talking to a volley ball?  Well, Moon, a directorial debut starring Sam Rockwell as an operational employee of a giant mining conglomerate has him solo-stationed on the moon along with a monotoned robot (yeah, that also sounds familiar) voiced by Kevin Spacey, is a movie much like Cast Away, but much, much better.  And darker.  After a few years, in a great performance btw, Sam is supposed to get relieved on his mission and reunited with his family.  What ends up happening is, Sam gets reunited with himself.  Is he k-Nutter Butter himself?  Or is the robot f-ing with him?  Or is there some conspiracy?

These are just a few of the questions one asks himself after being alone for such lengths (along with "why are my palms hairy?").  The film is extremely slow and contemplative and trippy.  It's a solid movie that you'll enjoy if you aren't signing up for a sci-fi action flick.  Be prepared to think and bum out a bit.  It will keep you guessing (which is about the extent of the "fun" that you'll have with it).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Orphanage" is a horr[or] house

Now dats some scary f*cking sh*t.  These words came into my head many, many times while watching this Spanish-language film, titled The Orphanage (or El Oranato if you are fluent in salsa).  I was on the edge of my seat and guessing what might happen next and was never right (which might be a broader issue of mine, but let's table that for the moment).  The movie feels a bunch like The Others, and even looks as good, but probably cost a tenth of the budget to produce.  There's no Jessica Alba, and no M. Night Shyamalan, and no bloody special effects.  And it's not one of those super low-fi (a la Blair Witch) sort of films... it's a real movie (albeit the director's debut) featuring nobody's (who all put on exceptional performances) without expensive gore (that generally put on cheap thrills anyway), without the cameo or even the hot naked chick.  But trust me... without them frills or them ho's, this is one incredible house of horror!

The beautiful estate happens to be the orphanage that the lead character (the mom) happened to grow up in.  She purchased it as an adult with her husband and their young son -- not to be an orphanage though, rather, a place for them to live and serve as a facility for disabled children.  Want to know the twist?... just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Julie & Julia" are NOT time-traveling lesbians

Probably a pretty strange movie for me to be reviewing, and no, I was not mistaken thinking this was a time-traveling lesbian movie (which actually sounds like a pretty good premise), but since my wife is a cook, I suppose you can see why I actually ended up seeing Julie & Julia.  It's actually a pretty d*mn good movie (even if you're a pig like me).  Meryl Streep is an extremely gifted actress, obviously.  She's got Julia Childs charisma, mannerisms, strange "accent" and disarming presence down pat.  And there's really nothing like watching people cook good food (I think the unemployed stoners of the world are actually the ones who keep The Food Network and all these crazy cooking shows in business and NOT the housewives wanting to learn how to make something other than Hamburger Helper).

It's nuts to think that Julia Childs gave birth to the cooking show phenomenon, but it's true.  She's totally not the demographic of today's cooking show chefs (read: young and hot) -- she didn't even stumble upon this skill (not cooking nor being a TV personality) until she was probably sans-uterus.  Great story but will let you watch it if you want to find out for yourself.  It also stars that kinda cute chick, Amy Adams.  You'd think I would skip doing a review on this, but actually, Amy's role in this tale-of-two-true-stories is what inspired me to do it -- she blogged about doing a recipe-a-day from Julia's famous cook book, she got HUGE traffic, notoriety and a book deal, etc.  How times have changed for a blogger (who are now a dime a dozen).  I'll just keep typing and get more depressed while you go ahead and watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Hurt Locker" bombs, er, explodes at the box office

Kathryn Bigelow, who directed one of the cheesiest, yet greatest, action thrillers of all time, Point Break, is at it again nearly 20 years later; but this time, she's not bombing down barrels, rather, she's bombing down the U.S. Army's elite EOD (explosive ordnance disposal) teams.  The film's called The Hurt Locker, and I'm not sure if the title is a reference to this silly f*cking space suite they wear for protection or if its the little stash box of dismantled bomb devices that this guy, Jeremy Renner, keeps under his bed.  Maybe it's for something else, but all I know is, these guys have cojones of steel and the determination of teen boy on prom night.

The movie also stars a bunch of other no-names including Anthony Mackie, plus some familiar faces like Ralph Fiennes, David Morse and Guy Pearce.  Some friends of mine told me that I absolutely have to see this film.  Personally, I'm not a huge fan of war films, for me, "surfing's the source," so I'll opt for a little Johnny Utah and let you be the judge.  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"W." is misunderestimated

Oliver Stone points his biopic revolver at the former president of the United States of America, the seemingly limited yet oddly pronounced man, George W. Bush, in the film with the definitively limited and oddly pronounced title, W. (dub-ya).  Those critical of President Bush's run with our country will be pleasuring themselves in a bubble bath of "I told you so" during every single money-shot that Oliver took at the Worstest President ever.  Personally, I'm no fan of Junior, but I have to say, Oliver's genious, hubris and nefarious ability to insert every single little insider, as well as, obvious jab into this movie is a diabolical triumph bordering on animal cruelty -- I just felt sorry for the Good Ol' Boy.

Regardless, it is a great movie that I hope supporters can even enjoy as a satire, as they cringe through Junior's belittling by Papa Bush and his alcoholic tendencies while he fumbles the opportunity and access he was spoon fed because of his big "Bush."  And all voters will surely be amazed by the performances and look-a-likes in the film: Josh Brolin as the Pretender-in-Chief, Richard Dreyfuss as the trigger-happy veep Dick Cheney, Elizabeth Banks as the second first lady Bush, and Thandie Newton as the robotic Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.  Incredible.  See for yourself... just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"King of California" is rich with idiosyncrasy

There are so many peculiar little things stuffed into King of California -- the notion of a crazy man possibly being genius, the fantasy of finding buried treasure, the novelty of using a metal detector, the possibility of buying a clunker over eBay (and being under age), the odd visual of tract housing suburban sprawl eating your quiet rural home (and you can resist, and it just builds up around you), the harsh reality of working at McDonalds, that some people's parents are stoners who are in bands, that sulfur springs exist, and the list goes on and on and on.  Maybe none are exactly idiosyncratic (other than Michael Douglas's character), but it is rife with kitch or irony or cliché or something funky that I liked.

And Michael's performance as a kook is just priceless... he crazy kills it.  And Evan Rachel Wood is just adorable to a level that makes her pretty hot (to the extent that you can't hardly imagine that she needs to work at Mickey D's or has to drive a beater like that, I mean, there's gotta be a sugar daddy [or a post high school graduate pervert] willing to take care of a cute high school drop-out).  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Butcher Boy" hacks away at my memory

Eghads... running late on writing a post.  But totally thankful that my buddy came over the other day and nearly saw me fall down on my face from being so totally wasted from watching films.  I was completely at a creative block from not being inspired to write a post about anything that I've gorged upon.  And then, out of nowhere, he surfaced a movie that I had seen long ago and had been so utterly amazed by it that I must have gone for months telling people about it.  How I could have done that and then had if entirely fall from my memory banks, I just don't know.  I'm doomed.  So... I will give him a shout out... Burning Pictures.

If you couldn't tell from the pic, the film is called The Butcher Boy.  Holy f-ing sh*t.  The film is fantastical and imaginative and blunt.  And this kid is so intense that you'll be completely scared of him -- an Irish bully on the edge with a fat head and freckles.  Even worse, he's got a f*cked up home, and he starts to even loose his mind a bit as it appears... and what he is capable, well, I won't tell you if he does anything or not, but those hanging pigs have it lucky.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Valkyrie" would've been better with Val Kilmer

 

What a story!  I mean, I obviously heard they failed and didn't kill Adolph Hitler.  P*sses me off.  But even with that spoiler out there, the fact that these guys came this close.  And that man, Col. Claus von Stauffenberg, played by Tom Cruise came that close.  F*ck!  That failure might have had something to do with Tom not practicing his German accent before the shooting.  I spotted him right away.  I think Hitler was onto him as well... knew that he wasn't for real.  If only Tom even attempted a German accent... if only he was capable of pulling off a Colonel Klink, then maybe he would have been believable, and just possibly, he could have killed Hitler.  But in Valkyrie, the great film and story about the Resistance and inner circle plotting various attempts on Hitler's life, Tom failed.

Bryan Singer directed the film.  Crazy thing is, he was behind another movie with a mole that achieved in every way, The Usual Suspects.  Although Bryan has done nothing much but the X-Men franchise since, I don't blame him for this one.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Traitor" is yet another good treason Don Cheadle is the lead

 

Traitor is a great movie that is smart and keeps you guessing and keeps enough action without all the over-the-top production value to put it among the best espionage thrillers in a long, long time.  Don Cheadle is very effective and believable and can carry a movie... real star power and likable.  This is important in this role, as you aren't sure what side he's on, and it helps create some interesting internal conflict when you find yourself at times nearly rooting for him as the bad guy.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Guy Pearce.  He killed it in my opinion as the unforgettably forgetful lead in Memento, but here, he's just plain ol' forgotten.  In fact, I had zero opinion of who he was here and what he was doing... he was so flat, I found myself feeling that I couldn't hear him talking.  My only other real criticism is a scene where Don secretly confronts his sister in such a manner that is totally revealing (and he gets busted, duh), and he ultimately doesn't even accomplish anything in that encounter.  F-ing st*pid.  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Deal" is hard to undersand and too good to be true

Netflix recommended this to me, and I stuck it in my "Queue" (that's a f-ing long way to spell the utterance, "Q")."  Anyway, if you couldn't tell, I seem to trust them with my life.  The "About me" page here hints of another "recommendation."  Well... the movie, The Deal, pains me to the extent that the Brits seem to speak a different language and also just a touch too fast for me.  Plus, I have enough trouble keeping up with our own government, so what Tony Blair went through is all Greek to me.

It doesn't matter... the movie is a fun watch, even for a r*tard like me, who is politically incorrect and/or politically ignorant (and I put the pieces all together by the end).  Side note: this f*cker, Mr. Michael Sheen, is toast of the town right now from Frost/Nixon.  Haven't seen it yet.  Heard it's great.  But who gives a sh*t.  I mean, this guy's great when it comes to lookin' like Tony Blair for sure.  And for that matter, the grouchy blimey (that's Scottish, right?), David Morrissey, who plays what's-his-name, Gordon Brown, looks just like him as well.  BTW, it's a biopic if you're slower than me.  Anyway, here's where I normally offer up a trailer, but now, for the first time ever, I'll share something with you, besides the fact that...

"Kinsey"... is he that pervert Hoosier?

No... he's that other pervert Hoosier.  Kidding, Kinsey is the film about the Indiana University professor who helped bring sexual education out of the closet and into the curriculum and the mainstream.  He ruled.  Yeah, hard to believe anyone with that haircut and that bow tie could manage to doink anything, let alone anyone, let alone again, any woman.  But he did ('em all).

But the film is solid and the story is as well.  Liam Neeson, obviously, is Dr. Kinsey.  The stud's cast includes Chris O'Donnell, Laura Linney, Peter Scarsgaard, Timothy Hutton, John Lithgow and Oliver Platt.  Yeah, he f*cked 'em.  ;)  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Rachel Getting Married" and Hathaway getting shafted

Anne Hathaway was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actress in the movie, Rachel Getting Married.  Not sure if you've seen this one... I kind of thought it was a chick flick, so I shied away from it.  But it is a great dysfunctional-family drama that's got just a little bit of humor, so you don't just kill yourself while viewing.  Anne mastered her role as a drama queen who's all about me, me, me after getting released from rehab in time to attend her sister's wedding.  F*ck.  She nails it.  And her character is totally sympathetic because you find out that she has real reason to be just that f-ed up.

So how Meryl Streep was able to take the Oscar for her suitable performance in a waaay less complex role in the short-and-decent snoozer, Doubt, is beyond me (just one more reason for Anne's character to be totally f*cked in the head and drive off the road).  Anyway, all the supporting characters including the movie's namesake, Rosemarie DeWitt, are amazing as well.  Debra Winger is also in it but mostly a group of faceless others who make it feel like this could be any family and/or wedding in the neighborhood.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Crash" into the race

Matt Dillon plays a racist who rolls the dice to rescue Thandie Newton here in this scene of the movie Crash.  Not sure if he got cooties or anything.  Seems to have made it out OK.  Lots of prejudice in this movie among an ensemble cast that also includes Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Brendan Fraiser, Ryan Phillippe, Tony Danza, and Jennifer Esposito.  It's a serious drama that will test your strength and your understanding of bigotry.

It's set in Los Angeles over a couple day period post September 11th.  It starts out with a multi-car pile-up and flashes back to tell you the story.  It's a solid film that won the Best Picture Oscar in 2006.  Paul Haggis directed (and wrote) the film, and the funny thing is, the guy came from writing sitcoms and hasn't really directed any other feature films at all (before or since).  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Spun" and games 'til somebody gets hurt

 

Spun is a film with a fun cast but a painful subject -- crystal meth.  I have seen plenty of drugs in my day and can watch many a movie on drugs and addiction of most any sort (even shopping).  But this one kind of made me sick to my stomach.  The direction gets a little dizzying and the intentional acne and the in-you-face, decent people turned low-lives living dirty whatever/wherever becomes a bit much.  And the constant bumps... they literally never stop for days and days.  The whole thing just kind of bumbs me out.

It's an indie comedy featuring the vogue again Mickey Rourke, the always deadpan Jason Schwartzman (who's got some naked chick with a 10 body, Chloe Hunter I believe, tied to his bed with her mouth and eyes covered with duct tape for days), the totally hot Brittany Murphy, a yucky teeth version of Mena Suvari, a dike-y Deborah Harry, and a Red Hot Chili Pepper "socks on c*cks" John Leguizamo.  Tweak out and watch the movie trailer and read on because...