FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"Troy" is the ginormous version of Homer's epic Iliad

 

Orlando Bloom is Prince Paris of Troy which is kind of a sissy name if you ask me, and the guy is a bit effeminate as well when it comes down to it, plus he's playing a coward here, so if I were him, I would have pretty much refused to have the pink parasol shading me from the sun.  Anyway, thank God/s he's at least standing next to his captive hottie, Diane Kruger (playing Helen), in the movie Troy.

Brad Pitt is obviously in this tent pole film as well... he's more than adequate as Achilles.  Plus, there's Eric Bana playing Hector and lots of other great actors kicking major *ss in this huge movie.  Most notably, one of the biggest stars in the film is the expansive special effects displaying the size and scope and visualization of the war maneuvers -- really bring these great battles to life.  Critics and history buffs will surely take shots at this film, but when it comes to big, fun, historical dramas, this one kills it.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Burn After Reading" and hachet after shooting

 

I swear to God I'm NOT in love with the Coen brothers.  But even after many people told me that Burn After Reading was not very good, and so I put off watching it for months, and then I watched it last night... I f*cking thought it was great (ok, maybe I am in [heart] with Joel and Ethan).  I think all of their movies are good or incredible.  With this one, maybe I now think it could have something to do with expectation setting, but really, there are many appealing things about it.  While this film is more of a dark comedy instead of a dark drama, it's a lot like Fargo in that it features "locals" who are about as sharp as a bowing ball and keep getting themselves deeper and deeper into trouble because of it.

Another totally cool thing about this movie is a "goofy" Brad Pitt.  I mean, how many times do we need to see "stud" Pitt.  Here, he is probably the roundest of all the goof [bowling] balls of all and is also traveling down the alley for a surprising and explosive strike.  That's another thing that's great about a Coen brothers movie... you just don't know what's going to happen next.  When George Clooney takes Frances McDormand down into his basement, I was scared sh*tless.  And when John Malcovich is on screen, who the f*ck knows what could happen.  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" is a lifetime

Brad Pitt is old.  Wonder if that's why he took the role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button -- to cover his own wrinkles.  Kind of a joke, but frankly, he plops out as a wrinkly old infant and grows up in this movie (er, grows down).  Look... I'm all for gimmicks, but this one is kinda half baked.  I'm not sure it lends much to the movie besides hogtie Pitt from being able to show any real ability to act his age.  I mean, have you ever seen a four-year-old boy?... come on, they are a f*cking loud, wild handful until they hit adolescence, and then boys just talk about t*ts and *ss and f*rts until they get married and their wives tell 'em to shut the f*ck up.  Here, old and crusty kid Brad is just a calm and quiet bore.

Hey, I dig the epic.  Yo, I dig the love story through the ages.  I'm a sensitive guy.  The movie's great on many levels.  The effects are good (how they screw Pitt's head on that little body is beyond me).  And Cate Blanchett is totally watchable and actually looks hot in this one... not sure if it's because she's a ballerina or if I'm warmin' up to those cheekbones.  I can tell you the latter can't be the case 'cause Tilda Swinton is in this one as well, and queen chisel-cheek still can't warm milk if you ask me.

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  David Fincher directed this one... he did some of the coolest movies ever -- Seven, The Game, and Fight Club to name a few -- and put just as much care into this one.  Sure I had some issues with it, but give it a try, and let me know what you think.  I liked it.  It's a long one though, and final note... they don't even attempt to put Brad's head on a "younger" version of himself at the end of the film.  Could he be too old for f/x to make that happen?  Curious.

"Fight Club" is the ultimate and MMA is not

Pretty lame, I know, trying to tell you anything about Fight Club.  So if you haven't seen this movie yet, let's take care of you real quick.  First, take your keyboard and smash your f-ing face with it... 9 times.  Second, take your mouse, and this time, you don't need to use that Habitrail that you have hidden way up high in your closet under the sweaters -- just go bare back.  Ok... deep breath... park the mouse.  Good.

Now, you'll need to wash your hands.  Our friend Brad Pitt here can help you with that.  But first, he's going to have to kick the living sh*t out of you.  Now you are ready to enjoy the movie, of which, happens to be a top five of all time if you ask me.

Ed Norton is in it too.  Let's go ahead and have him kick your *ss as well.  Better ask him if you can remove the mouse first 'cause that's going to ache bein' in there and all.  Saying "please" usually helps.

Oh yeah.  Movie review.  Right.  So... David Fincher directed it... great acting... awesome story with loads of surprises... Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf, Jared Leto... blah, blah, blah. That's all you get.  Afterwards, be sure to check out a favorite snarky celebrity gossip website of mine, WWTDD, strangely named after the character/s in the movie.  A maverick of a site and hilarious.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Check the trailer... if you've already seen the movie, rent it again.  If you haven't seen the movie, first, take your keyboard....

"True Romance" is a freaky one-night stand with a true cast of characters

Patricia Arquette is the hottest and sweetest snaggletooth trailer-trash wh*re you've ever seen in True Romance.  She loves a common Christian Slater who's among other incredible characters like Gary Oldman's frightening shotgun-totin' Rasta coke king that they rip off.  Christopher Walken is a Sicilian mob boss who is chilling to say the least, but stealing the dialog from him in this film is Dennis Hopper -- quite possibly delivering the Hungry Man frozen dinner of all final words in his double-wide.

Lots of other great stuff in here like James Gandolfini, Michael Rapaport, Val Kilmer's Elvis silhouettes and Brad Pitt with his Honey Bear bong.  And there's one of those climactic endings like they recently had in the end of the second season of Weeds where all the bad guys end up in one room all pointing guns at each other all at the same time.  That would s*ck.

From Quentin Tarrantino's fingers and Tony Scott's eyes, this movie is a crime thriller you'll surely fall in love with.  I'm gonna smash my face into a mirrored closet door for sayin' that... so flippin' stupid.  Totally hung over.  And this blogging sh*t ain't easy... couldn't get to it for a week... will try to stick to it.  Or at least stick my finger down my throat.