FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

Intermission: Denise Milani's giant b*obs and a Chinese chick blowing a dachshund

Actually going camping and surfing this weekend, so I can't imagine I have much to say to anyone about anything except that I may be reviewing a surf movie in the near future and am taking requests.  Other than that, here are some links:

• Music folks will like to chime in at Bullz-Eye on bands dissed by the Rock Hall of Fame

• Where the Wild Things Are news and trailer at Premium Hollywood

• GorillaMask.net is a funny name for a NSFW link site

• And how about Denise Milani's giant b*obs in this shot... AskMen.com has the gallery

• Changing gears to tomato-face, Nick Nolte, at The Daily Fix

• If that doesn't gross you out, how about some Chinese chick blowing a dachshund at DeadDog

• aBum.com has t*ts and *ss and lots of funny sh*t

• YouThink and Quiztron are much different for the st*pid

• Snake oil at TheBachelorGuy gives you six-pack abs... wonder what would happen if you j*rked with it?

• And if you want to feel hip and smartacle, go to Mongo Nation

"The Deal" is hard to undersand and too good to be true

Netflix recommended this to me, and I stuck it in my "Queue" (that's a f-ing long way to spell the utterance, "Q")."  Anyway, if you couldn't tell, I seem to trust them with my life.  The "About me" page here hints of another "recommendation."  Well... the movie, The Deal, pains me to the extent that the Brits seem to speak a different language and also just a touch too fast for me.  Plus, I have enough trouble keeping up with our own government, so what Tony Blair went through is all Greek to me.

It doesn't matter... the movie is a fun watch, even for a r*tard like me, who is politically incorrect and/or politically ignorant (and I put the pieces all together by the end).  Side note: this f*cker, Mr. Michael Sheen, is toast of the town right now from Frost/Nixon.  Haven't seen it yet.  Heard it's great.  But who gives a sh*t.  I mean, this guy's great when it comes to lookin' like Tony Blair for sure.  And for that matter, the grouchy blimey (that's Scottish, right?), David Morrissey, who plays what's-his-name, Gordon Brown, looks just like him as well.  BTW, it's a biopic if you're slower than me.  Anyway, here's where I normally offer up a trailer, but now, for the first time ever, I'll share something with you, besides the fact that...

"Intolerable Cruelty" and I pray Catherine Zeta-Jones inflicts it upon me

I promise... I did NOT pick this movie because I am in love with the Coen brothers.  This time, I picked Intolerable Cruelty because of Catherine Zeta-Jones.  She is smoking hot in this film.  Worthy of a Cleveland Steamer if one is so inclined (not sayin' that I am).  Wow... she is a total predator.  But d*mn... it just might be worth every penny.  And that's what super-stud George Clooney happens to inadvertently discover.  He throws off one of the best lines, ever, after this elevator scene that you'll hear in the trailer.  Hil-arious.

The rest of the cast is f-ing great too... glad to see Richard Jenkins pop up in it... he seems to be doing that quite a bit on me.  Cedric the Entertainer is dead on.  Billy Bob Thornton is able to poke fun at himself in a great role... thank you.  And Geoffrey Rush is always a thrill.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired" and judged

Speaking of perverts... maybe Roman Polanski is one.  And yes, he certainly partied with a 13-year-old girl and penetrated her in more ways than one (so the court records state).  But man... this guy has had it tough.  In the documentary, Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired, you hear a pretty unbiased version of the story, and after watching it, you'll walk away sympathetic for this guy and hating the Santa Monica Judge who tried his case -- what a f-ing media whore and power hungry d*ckhead that Judge Larry Paul Fidler was... he should be sodomized.

I'll let you watch the film to get the drift of what that f*ck did, but in the meantime, while you are contemplating and sentencing Roman yourself, know that interviews with the victim (Samantha Geimer who has forgiven him as an adult) and with various Hollywood elite such as Mia Farrow and Robert Towne paint a bit of a different picture than the trail that Roman left for most of us while he fled to France.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Kinsey"... is he that pervert Hoosier?

No... he's that other pervert Hoosier.  Kidding, Kinsey is the film about the Indiana University professor who helped bring sexual education out of the closet and into the curriculum and the mainstream.  He ruled.  Yeah, hard to believe anyone with that haircut and that bow tie could manage to doink anything, let alone anyone, let alone again, any woman.  But he did ('em all).

But the film is solid and the story is as well.  Liam Neeson, obviously, is Dr. Kinsey.  The stud's cast includes Chris O'Donnell, Laura Linney, Peter Scarsgaard, Timothy Hutton, John Lithgow and Oliver Platt.  Yeah, he f*cked 'em.  ;)  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Watchman" *ss and watchwoman n*ps

 

Wow!  I f-ing loved Watchman.  I've been begging the movie-making Gods to please bring me a sci-fi movie that is even sort of as close to being as interesting as The Matrix.  Had I predicted that ten years later it would be a God with a name of Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) that would come in the form of a glowing, blue, naked man with a digitally enhanced schlong, maybe I would have stopped praying.  Glad I didn't because this movie rocked.  (Though maybe they could have quid pro quo digitally enhanced Carla Gugino's skeeter bites in equally engorged proportions as Crudup's noodle... oh well... Carla, as Silk Spectre, is still smokin' hot and brought out of obscurity and likely captured the desires of many-a-mortal man wanting to super-f the sh*t out of her.)

The film is an adaptation of the critically acclaimed graphic novel of the same name, and visually, has replicated cells of the novel directly into frames of the movie.  Amazing.  And the unwieldy story, that's been tossed around Hollywood for 20 years as an impossibility to bring to the screen, has finally been tastefully (besides all the man *ss), respectfully and thrillingly brought to life.  Kudos to director Zack Snyder (who also brought us 300).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

Intermission: Natasha Richardson and Fat Naked People in a Hot Tub

F-yeah!  Just planned a snowboarding trip to Sun Valley Idaho that I'm totally f*cking stoked about.  Hah!, can't wait!!  Heh, broke my ribs last year there.  Hrm, Natasha Richardson just died on a bunny hill.  Ack, maybe I'll just stay on the couch.  Ernt, here's the links:

• I'm feeling a little bit like an animal now... I shall retreat to my NSFW cave... GorillaMask.net

 

• AskMen.com has some sporty, hottie model named Jillian in their photo gallery of the day

• Who is Shauna and how staged is this nudie make-out session at the beach?... The Daily Fix knows

• Did someone say fat naked people in a hot tub?... only a Dead Dog would show you that

 

• aBum has all the hot and sexy and funny sh*t

• Girls gettin' worked into a frenzy at spring break with Hollywire.. how come that never happened to me?

 

• Bullz-Eye has a bullish I Love You, Man movie review

• U2's new album, No Line on the Horizon, is liked in the republic of Mongo Nation

• Keep control of March Madness with interactive sports brackets at The Bachelor Guy 
  

"Charlie's Angels" and demon thoughts

 

Demi Moore looked so friggin' hot in this comeback role of hers... though I couldn't find a good quality one, there's a pic floating around where it's just her coming out of the water that looks way hotter than she does here with Cameron Diaz.  Whatever.  And I bet this one is a set picture or something and not one actually from the movie, of which, is what I would prefer to post.  Who cares... they are both smokin'.  It's Charlie's Angels.  (The first movie because the second one s*cked nut.)  BTW... how the director handled the derivative of this dated TV brand is on target -- refreshing, self aware and packed with action and fun that's as slick as a Blow Pop.

In fact, eye candy is what this movie is all about.  I mean, Lucy Liu is hotter than sizzlin' rice (even with that cross-eyed and freckled face).  And Drew Barrymore, though was sexy as sh*t on Letterman years ago when she jumped on the coffee table and flashed the world, has hardly ever looked better... when she unzips her race-gear top and goes into seduction mode at the track... that was titilating to say the least.  I just can't get my mind out of the gutter watching this one.  Though it's not really featuring any of the scenes from the flick, you can see the camp and the heat and the action that I'm talking about here -- just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Rachel Getting Married" and Hathaway getting shafted

Anne Hathaway was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actress in the movie, Rachel Getting Married.  Not sure if you've seen this one... I kind of thought it was a chick flick, so I shied away from it.  But it is a great dysfunctional-family drama that's got just a little bit of humor, so you don't just kill yourself while viewing.  Anne mastered her role as a drama queen who's all about me, me, me after getting released from rehab in time to attend her sister's wedding.  F*ck.  She nails it.  And her character is totally sympathetic because you find out that she has real reason to be just that f-ed up.

So how Meryl Streep was able to take the Oscar for her suitable performance in a waaay less complex role in the short-and-decent snoozer, Doubt, is beyond me (just one more reason for Anne's character to be totally f*cked in the head and drive off the road).  Anyway, all the supporting characters including the movie's namesake, Rosemarie DeWitt, are amazing as well.  Debra Winger is also in it but mostly a group of faceless others who make it feel like this could be any family and/or wedding in the neighborhood.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Troy" is the ginormous version of Homer's epic Iliad

 

Orlando Bloom is Prince Paris of Troy which is kind of a sissy name if you ask me, and the guy is a bit effeminate as well when it comes down to it, plus he's playing a coward here, so if I were him, I would have pretty much refused to have the pink parasol shading me from the sun.  Anyway, thank God/s he's at least standing next to his captive hottie, Diane Kruger (playing Helen), in the movie Troy.

Brad Pitt is obviously in this tent pole film as well... he's more than adequate as Achilles.  Plus, there's Eric Bana playing Hector and lots of other great actors kicking major *ss in this huge movie.  Most notably, one of the biggest stars in the film is the expansive special effects displaying the size and scope and visualization of the war maneuvers -- really bring these great battles to life.  Critics and history buffs will surely take shots at this film, but when it comes to big, fun, historical dramas, this one kills it.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Heathers" is a great argument for home schooling

 

Shannen Doherty was the original host of Scare Tactics from the late 90's if memory serves me right (and got booted because she was difficult), and that show had a couple of episodes that had big foot attacking a camper van and one with an alien crash landing that just totally rocked my world.  I highly recommend trying track those down some time.  And she's obviously notorious when it comes to paparazzi and 90210, but have you ever seen the movie Heathers?  Shannen is in it and that's where she likely honed her b*tch skills.

The movie also stars Winona Ryder and Christian Slater and is about high school cliques and how evil they can be... so what better way to f with someone's popularity that to kill them.  This dark comedy goes there and was pretty controversial when it was released in the late 80's.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Super High Me" bongs at the box office

 

Doug Benson is the blazing stand-up comedian behind the documentary, Super High Me.  As you can imagine, it is a "pot" version of the infamous Super Size Me documentary where some guy eats nothing but McDonalds for breakfast, lunch and dinner for one month straight and monitors his resulting decline in various measures of health along the way.

Doug, a self-proclaimed stoner, sets off on his journey for 30 days of not smoking at all (which was a challenge in itself).  He measures his health and other indices of "being" to get a baseline, and then burns it up for the following 30 and keeps track of his, you guessed it, improving stats.  Plenty of stand-up material (and joints) in this one, and while it is a film most appreciated by those who love Mary Jane, even straight shooters should check it out.  I mean, in a day when politicians have now bankrupt California to the extent that 800-million-dollar budget cuts have been made directly to public schools, maybe we should all just pull some tubes and legalize hemp and put well over one billion in tax dollars right back into the Golden State.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

Intermission: from Howard K. Stern to Jesse Jane

Checked out Mad Men on AMC cable channel (actually, I watched the DVDs).  Pretty cool show about life in the Madison Avenue ad world back in 1960.  Great cultural and social references of the times including the Cross Your Heart bra ladies, especially, Christina Hendricks.  Hubba, hubba.  I'm not sure where she comes from, but she's smokin'.  Blogged all week about movies.  Taking a break on the weekend.  Here's the link dump, enjoy:

• AskMen.com has the Top 10 Hype-worthy cars.

• Racing over to GorillaMask.net for a hand-picked link collection of NSFW.

• Michelle Rodriquez and porn-star girlfriend Jesse Jane looking hot at The Daily Fix.

• aBum.com has a collection of sexy link-outs but keeps threatening to turn into a porn site... I'm compelled to keep checking back.

• D*mn... Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) was hot... DeadDog has the pics.

• Hollywire has the scoop on Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's Dr.'s arrest and conspiracy.

• Don't be st*pid, check out Quiztron and YouThink.

• The Bachelor Guy has a SXSW live video stream.

"The Illusionist" is prestigious

The Illusionist (not to be confused with The Prestige with Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale and Scarlett Johansson) stars Jessica Biel and Edward Norton.  Both are great movies, by the way, but what's strange is that they are fairly similar and were released in the same year.  I assume that's no coincidence and yet another mystery that's beyond my understanding.

Although the other movie is from a more seasoned director, this one is my favorite of the two and is a romantic thriller set in early 20th Century Vienna.  Basically, younger versions of Jessica and Edward become interested in each other as kids to the disapproval from her parents.  Edward fails to magically make their relationship work at that time and goes off to China to hone his craft before returning 15 years later to charm the pants off Jessica.  Needless to say, the aristocrat's fiance, the Crown Prince played by Rufus Sewell, is not happy (with a name like that, how could he be?).  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Crash" into the race

Matt Dillon plays a racist who rolls the dice to rescue Thandie Newton here in this scene of the movie Crash.  Not sure if he got cooties or anything.  Seems to have made it out OK.  Lots of prejudice in this movie among an ensemble cast that also includes Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Brendan Fraiser, Ryan Phillippe, Tony Danza, and Jennifer Esposito.  It's a serious drama that will test your strength and your understanding of bigotry.

It's set in Los Angeles over a couple day period post September 11th.  It starts out with a multi-car pile-up and flashes back to tell you the story.  It's a solid film that won the Best Picture Oscar in 2006.  Paul Haggis directed (and wrote) the film, and the funny thing is, the guy came from writing sitcoms and hasn't really directed any other feature films at all (before or since).  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Spun" and games 'til somebody gets hurt

 

Spun is a film with a fun cast but a painful subject -- crystal meth.  I have seen plenty of drugs in my day and can watch many a movie on drugs and addiction of most any sort (even shopping).  But this one kind of made me sick to my stomach.  The direction gets a little dizzying and the intentional acne and the in-you-face, decent people turned low-lives living dirty whatever/wherever becomes a bit much.  And the constant bumps... they literally never stop for days and days.  The whole thing just kind of bumbs me out.

It's an indie comedy featuring the vogue again Mickey Rourke, the always deadpan Jason Schwartzman (who's got some naked chick with a 10 body, Chloe Hunter I believe, tied to his bed with her mouth and eyes covered with duct tape for days), the totally hot Brittany Murphy, a yucky teeth version of Mena Suvari, a dike-y Deborah Harry, and a Red Hot Chili Pepper "socks on c*cks" John Leguizamo.  Tweak out and watch the movie trailer and read on because...