FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"Changeling" turn and face the strain, ch-ch-changes

I never thought I'd think those '20's ball hats look hot on chicks until I saw Changeling.  Suppose I shouldn't even be thinking about Angelina Jolie's chestnut hair with that hat framing those puffy, red-painted lips in this movie about missing and potentially chopped-up kids and false psycho ward incarceration; but she's hot.

Her acting and tears are convincing (though I could do without around 20 or so "that's not my son" statements), and the whole thing makes you wanna f*cking strangle those corrupt cops, doc and shrink when they're telling her that that's her kid, and they keep her locked up in that insane asylum.  Thank God for reverend John Malkovich.  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Transformers" and Megan Fox are well-oiled machines

I've been avoiding the Transformers movie like the plague because, come on, I think the toy concept is the stupidest f-ing thing to ever hit shelves, and I'm insulted that the world somehow disagrees with me and has made Hasbro a gazillion dollars from them.  And the thought that director Michael Bay and whomever else would devote over a hundred million dollars to turn 'em into a movie (and then it makes a bazillion dollars) just pisses me off.

Then I met Megan Fox.  Her eyes are a Banff, Lake Louise, milky emerald blue, so the thought of a two hour and twenty minute movie with her seemed blissful.  And, wow!  They've given her an oily sheen in every single scene and on every inch of her body from her calves to her belly to her cheeks, and I know it smells like stripper vanilla.  Ugh.  Enough of her before I get reported by the authorities.  But almost nearly as amazing to look at was the Transformers' transformation sequences.  Each are happening in the midst of some other dramatic fly-in or other bit of unleashed inertia, and they last three times longer than even seem possible.  Incredible... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

Intermission: am I emo? and I love Megan Fox

Watched a sh*tload of movies this week and don't bother telling you about the weak sauce, but pinged you about the good ones.  Not sure why in the f*ck I keep this up.  It's kinda like crack (or at least that's what I would imagine), though I've yet to find myself sleepin' in the stairwell of some dank, deserted building... maybe next weekend.  Until then, here's the dump:

• Jeremy at CraveOnline made me laugh my *ss of with his rant on celebrities.

• And moving over to MongoNation... My Chemical Romance does a Dead Kennedy-esque cover video of Bob Dylan's Desolation Row... MCR touching DK or BD makes me want to cry... maybe I am emo.

• I think Drunken Stepfather may be falling in love... web stalking this stranger, London Rosiere, because she has nice ping pongs... I wish I could play her too.  Ah, London, the risks of being an online extrovert... now just more guys become obsessed with you.

• And when strange girls post candid pictures of themselves with their ginormous flotation devices hangin' out like this hottie on DeadDog, what else is a guy to do but become infatuated.

• Speaking of... I am now officially in love with Megan Fox (don't tell my wife, though I doubt anything with a pulse could resist Megan).  AskMen.com has a Megan gallery.

• Katie Price goes shopping and must have found the cantaloupes in the fruit section... give 'em the tap and sniff to make sure they're ripe at TheDailyFix.

• Guess it's as good a time as any to jump over to everybody's favorite NSFW shotgun, GorillaMask.net.

• No one is a bigger fan of Netflix than me... but I'm just fine watching the streaming stuff on my laptop... for others, there's the Roku and Bullz-Eye.com has a review.

• Premium Hollywood has a confused review for a movie I've yet to see, Traitor, starring Don Cheadle.

• And finally, The Bachelor Guy has the motor-powered thrills of MTV's new extreme challenge show (a la Jackass), Nitro Circus.

"Primal Fear" and it's two lead characters

Richard Gere plays the slick defense attorney and Ed Norton is introduced to the world as a sheepish murder suspect in a powerhouse debut that's still resonating more than ten years later.  Primal Fear is one of those films that will knock your socks off, and here, as I've eluded, it's got as much to do with the incredible acting as it does with the amazing story.  It will totally surprise you... in fact, I can say with a high degree of confidence that this one will shock you more than if Richard just dropped his pants and pulled a gerbil out of his *ss.

Other than that... it's also practically Laura Linney's first theatrical work as well.  She's easy on the eyes, and that's a good thing because, although I love her, Frances McDormand is in it too.  Alfre Woodard rounds out the colorful cast... she's always great.  Last but not least, the director hasn't done much of anything before or since (can you say, lighting in a bottle).  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Antwone Fisher" is the most tortured screenwriter ever

Wow!  What a surprise.  Nothing like expecting absolutely nothing from a film and loving it.  Especially when you go into it not really knowing anything about it and maybe even thinking it's going to be some melodramatic, formulaic studio pic with no true heart.  It usually seems to happen when you turn on the TV and some late night movie starts on one of the second tier movie cable channels, and the film is still in the opening title sequence, and you, for some strange reason, feel obligated to watch.  That's how I met Antwone Fisher.

Directed by and starring Denzel Washington (d*mn that dude is talented) along with a number of no-names like Derek Luke (who played Antwone and was great), Joy Bryant (who is the totally hot love interest), and the then-unknown-pre-Entourage-"E", Kevin Connolly (short and whatever).  The story is kind of a bummer... Antwone is hard as a rock and a silent troublemaker in the Navy who ends up on the couch of an assigned shrink played by Dr. Smooth, Denzel.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Old School" new tricks

 

I probably haven't laughed this much in a movie in quite a long time.  Old School is f-ing hilarious.  It's packed with loads of talent... it's kind of amazing:  Ellen Pompeo, Will Ferrell, Artie Lange, Luke Wilson, Jeremy Piven, Juliette Lewis, Craig Kilborn, Leah Remini, Andy Dick, Snoop Dogg, and last but not least, Vince Vaughn.  And I'm sure all of them signed on because of Will, which is certainly justified, and he totally delivers in this one (might be his funniest movie ever).

But I need to say that Vince, here as always, also shines and carries the film.  In fact, I think he has more of the laughs and doesn't have the benefit of the physical comedy that Will can fall back on.  Sure, Vince always plays the same f*cking character, but he's awesome as that dude (maybe it's really him) and can even turn crappy films into good ones using that same character (ie John Favreau's directorial debut, Made).  "Ear muffs" is the classic take-a-way one liner which is good, but that's just the icing on the cake.  Everything about his character is classic.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Alien" 4-play is better than sex

Sigourney Weaver and no-holds-barred, top-of-the-stack directors are common threads among the Alien film franchise.  Four films were made thus far (starting out in 1979 with the last in 1997), so I'm wondering who has the b*lls to try to continue this solid run... beyond Sigourney that is... she seems to have bigger cojones than anything in the universe and may well be a dude for all I know (btw, what the f*ck kind of name is that anyway).  And yes, I'm completely ignoring the whole Alien vs. Predator piece of sh*t knock off of Godzilla vs. "x" schlock.

Ridley Scott poked the first installment out out of the belly and right onto the screen with Oscar-winning technical grace.  James Cameron was behind the helm of the unsinkable ship and continuing the Academy Award-action-packed sequel, Aliens.  And for Alien 3, David Fincher makes a solid play but nothing compared to his three follow-up films: Seven, The Game, and Fight Club.  Finishing up just a little limp as well (and certainly compared to his other visionary works) with the fourth known dimension of the series, Alien Resurrection, is Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie and City of Lost Children among others).  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Reader" nails the SS guard out of respect

 

Ralph Fiennes daydreams to tell us a story from his high school and college years in the film called, The Reader.  It's a very special film from the director, Stephen Daldry, who's also behind the charming boy-ballet film, Billy Elliot.  But here, Ralph's young version (David Kross) is not making his mark with twinkle toes in tights, he's in the buff and winning over audiences and Kate Winslet's equally exposed self in every way and in every position while reading the masterworks of literature.

It's a story of lust, love and longing.  And it is yet another lesson that so neatly reminds us that happenings from a time in our lives long ago form who we are and stay with us like a garment that we never ever shed.  In looking back at his life, we are wondering if there's regret for his respectfully keeping a secret that, while saves his lover's pride, could cost him her life.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...