FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"Pan's Labyrinth" is not for fairies

Unfortunately, it's not the monsters that likely have scared many away from Pan's Labyrinth, rather, the fact that it's a foreign language film.  But the critics and the Academy didn't shy away because this film scooped up its fair share of Oscars.

Beyond the monsters, you won't recognize any of the actors from this film.  Although they are great in their own regard, obviously, the visionary that built this movie is the true star.  That's director Guillermo del Toro.  F*cking brilliant.  The Mexican filmmaker came on the scene by spicing up the Wesley Snipes vampire franchise in Blade II but set the screen on fire with the red hot Hellboy.  Here he's got a young girl who stumbles upon and befriends the famous faun in charge of the decrepit maze... he makes predictions for her that only she can unravel.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Guys will dig this film -- trippy story, outrageous monsters, visual fantasy, war-time setting and nose crushing violence... not your typical kids fairy tale.

"Monster House" might get your *ss kicked

Have kids?  Got a little bro or sis?  Ever have to baby site?  Or ever just feel like a kid?  (I said feel like, not act like.)  If so, there's a bunch of great animated movies that even a bachelor can appreciate.  Pixar continues to cough them up like a two-pack-a-day habit -- all the Toy Story movies, Monsters, Inc., The Incredibles, Finding Nemo, WALL-E, blah, blah, blah.  Plus the Shrek films are hilarious and fun to watch as well.  Even if you can't stand dirty, snot-nosed kids, you've surely seen most all of these juicy boogers.

But I bet you've never seen Monster House.  You have to check it out.  And make sure you totally set yourself up to appreciate it... surround sound if you've got it, lights off, big TV and your full attention.  For a "kids movie" this one is pretty f*cking scary with an original story to boot.  The animation in this film in particular looks amazing too -- seems like it's practically 3D if you're watching in Humboldt County.

As you can surmise, some kids are scared of the spooky house in their neighborhood, and it appears to even be alive.  Voices of Steve Buscemi, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Fred Willard, Jason Lee, etc.  Take a look at the trailer.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  So while this one isn't your typical guy movie, and there's a good chance that your buddies will call you a p*ssy for even renting it, party up with 'em and give it a try... maybe they'll like it... maybe they'll haze you for it, forever.

Intermission: around the web and better than popcorn

• In case you needed a nap, I've found some pillows on AskMen.com made by Denise Milani... they look super comfy.

• The sticky stuff on the bottom of your shoes is nothing compared to a Dirty Sanchez or what you'll find on GorillaMask.net.

• Then be sure to wash your hands and stop by HollywoodTuna to make a sandwich and get some hard news on the soft side of Megan Fox.

• And Celebslam gives us a peek at Tom Cruise's house... would be fun to knock on the door, throw him out of there and jump on his f*cking couch.

• Reboot and round out the day with a super-long video on SpikeHumor about the singularity -- what happens when man and machine become... one.

"Thank You for Smoking" kills me

Aaron Eckhart is the man!  This guy is Thank You for Smoking.  I mean, I suppose he was in Erin Brockovich, and he was just in The Dark Knight.  But he's pretty much forgettable other than that, right?  Well... for Smoking, he surely dug deep, back to his debut role in the tiny indie film, Company of Men.  Now, that one is the movie guy's, guy movie of all time (if you haven't seen it... cruel but great).

Anyway, in this movie Aaron is the spin-master who can talk anybody's way out of anything, on the spot, with 5 billion people staring at him.  Total f-ing stud (and sh*t man, my face turns beet red giving a high school speech on BMX racing in front of a class of 25 peeps).

So... as you can likely gather from the title, he's the chief spokesman and lobbyist for big tobacco, and he totally kicks *ss.  Maria Bello is also in it too, I think.  She's from History of Violence, I believe.  And Katie Holmes and Rob Lowe are in it too... they're good and all, but mainly mentioning that just for the seo value.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  What a movie... guy movie.  If Aaron wants to go toe to toe with me on a movie binge, then I say bring it on.  I mean a full on back to back to back filmtacular gorge is what I'm talking about... until the first one burns out.  Or, if he thinks he can write with italic more than me, or use more commas, or... elipses... then let's go.  Other than that, for the dude in this film... I bow down.  I'm, dead...

"Knocked Up" and smoked out

Is it me, or does that chick from Grey's Anatomy look way hotter when she's Knocked Up?  Sure, we all know that even the wallflowers stand out when breast-feeding with their sack of cantaloupes.  And I'm not sayin' Katherine Heigl looks better and better as she gets bigger and bigger in this movie, rather, that I've never noticed her in that st*pid TV show my wife makes me watch now and then, but she's smokin' from frame one in this film with the now-famous Seth Rogen (a supe-talented guy who's even earned an Emmy for writing on Da Ali G Show).  But just look at her.  Look at that pic.

Oh.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe it's simply the juxtaposition against ugly Seth and the rest of his pathetic posse.  I'm sure chicks wouldn't say any of them are smokin'.  They could possibly be the poster boys for most ineligible bachelor/s.  And yes, the homies are smoked out though.  Seems partyin' is a theme for Seth and director Judd Apatow who've become the Cheech and Chong of the new millennium with stuff each of them have been involved with including Superbad and Pineapple Express among others.  This one, again, is a hit.  You have to see it.  (Seth's doin' a different kind of leisure in his latest, Zack and Miri make a Porno.)   

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Paul Rudd, Harold Ramis and the rest of the cast are hilarious too.  Just tell your lady you rented a date movie -- a romantic comedy with with the nice blond from Grey's Anatomy -- and you can ogle and giggle away.

"Ghost World" and its geekdom

Difficult for me to imagine Scarlett Johansson NOT looking perfect.  So I opted to take one of the beautiful pix of her from the film, as there were a few that were much less flattering.  Same goes for Thora Birch.  I love it when hot actress chicks have the balls to make themselves look fugly in movies.  Guess that's kind of the point in this one... Ghost World is supposed to celebrate the world of geeks.  And when Scarlett blossoms... to have a catch of that caliber, well, that's enough to crush a stud, let alone the snaggletooth vinyl collector and venerable sage geek, Steve Buscemi.

Terry Zwigoff directs.  He's the same guy who did Crumb (here's the FilmBender review of Crumb).  So you can expect this to be a film of the odd sort.  The two uber-nerdy hotties are up to no good as they conquer boredom slacking their way into their first few months post high school graduation.  Thora warms up to Steve.  She wants some sexy time but doesn't quite know how to execute.  Anyway, comic book fans, indie music fans, and Scarlett fans rejoice!

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  Great movie with, obviously, great music too. There's this Indian 60's jazz/pop/dance song in there that I guarantee you'll be singing along with my the end of it. You'll sound like a freak. Maybe you'll fit in. But maybe you're just a geek.

"Shine a Light" on Bill Clinton for President

Is it too late?  Just watched the Martin Scorsese-directed Rolling Stones documentary, Shine a Light.  Slick Willie introduces the legendary Brit rock and roll sensation.  Bill is seriously the smoothest cat on the planet.  Seriously.  Sure... the Gore-Bush election excitement is going to be tough to beat.  And I mean, we do have an unprecedented and exponential amount of direct access to instant information and feedback through the news organizations, social graph, blogosphere and connected campaign headquarters, and also, an unprecedented exercise of race and gender decisions that need be made by this great country with this Presidential election.  I think the only thing that could make it more exciting is if we were able to, somehow, get Mr. Clinton on the ballot.  Oh if only miracles were possible.  But I don't believe in miracles and legend, well, except that of the Fountain of Youth.  I've seen proof.

Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Ron Wood and Charlie Watts.  These guys are f-ing 60+ years old and run around stage and entertain and rock like, well, rock stars.  Mick is kind of a slow and whinny diva off-stage and almost prepares you to not expect much.  But holy sh*t... he's got more Jumpin' Jack action and vocal power than a three-year-old with an obstructed bowel.  Mick et al sounds good though.  and great fun too.  Check it out.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  BTW... Christina Aguilera sings too (duh).  She's hot.  And "Marty" is interesting all his own.  A film legend.  Worthy of a documentary on himself if that's not been done yet.  Decisive and, though an artist himself, compared to The Stones, he feels like a responsible investment banker.

"Appaloosa" is a long, long ways from Lollapalooza

This picture sums up the movie, Appaloosa.  Ed Harris directs and stars in a film adaptation that he co-wrote.  Quiet and contemplative, but of what, we're not sure.  Makes it a point that he's unedumacated and unemotional and unconnected.

Viggo Mortensen is his gunman and the two serve the Southwest as rent-a-marshals protecting the town from Jeremy Irons, who's ultimately, a threat in more ways than one.

In strolls Renee Zellweger.  B*tch.  Is it me, or does she always look like an allergic reaction in bloom.  I guess if you chopped her in half, from what I recall from her wheels in Chicago, she's pretty hot.  Ed Harris seems to fall for her and into her abyss like the rest of Hazard County's most eligible prospects circa 1885.  Some other good stuff too.  Solid movie, but slow, contemplative and tough -- like Ed.

 

FilmBender is Funny Movie Reviews.  BTW... Jeremy plays a great snake... Renee s*cks at piano... and man... the desolation... the silence.  The f-ing dust and sh*tty Wi-Fi.  I think we're back in Kansas Toto.