FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"The Hurt Locker" bombs, er, explodes at the box office

Kathryn Bigelow, who directed one of the cheesiest, yet greatest, action thrillers of all time, Point Break, is at it again nearly 20 years later; but this time, she's not bombing down barrels, rather, she's bombing down the U.S. Army's elite EOD (explosive ordnance disposal) teams.  The film's called The Hurt Locker, and I'm not sure if the title is a reference to this silly f*cking space suite they wear for protection or if its the little stash box of dismantled bomb devices that this guy, Jeremy Renner, keeps under his bed.  Maybe it's for something else, but all I know is, these guys have cojones of steel and the determination of teen boy on prom night.

The movie also stars a bunch of other no-names including Anthony Mackie, plus some familiar faces like Ralph Fiennes, David Morse and Guy Pearce.  Some friends of mine told me that I absolutely have to see this film.  Personally, I'm not a huge fan of war films, for me, "surfing's the source," so I'll opt for a little Johnny Utah and let you be the judge.  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Valkyrie" would've been better with Val Kilmer

 

What a story!  I mean, I obviously heard they failed and didn't kill Adolph Hitler.  P*sses me off.  But even with that spoiler out there, the fact that these guys came this close.  And that man, Col. Claus von Stauffenberg, played by Tom Cruise came that close.  F*ck!  That failure might have had something to do with Tom not practicing his German accent before the shooting.  I spotted him right away.  I think Hitler was onto him as well... knew that he wasn't for real.  If only Tom even attempted a German accent... if only he was capable of pulling off a Colonel Klink, then maybe he would have been believable, and just possibly, he could have killed Hitler.  But in Valkyrie, the great film and story about the Resistance and inner circle plotting various attempts on Hitler's life, Tom failed.

Bryan Singer directed the film.  Crazy thing is, he was behind another movie with a mole that achieved in every way, The Usual Suspects.  Although Bryan has done nothing much but the X-Men franchise since, I don't blame him for this one.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Troy" is the ginormous version of Homer's epic Iliad

 

Orlando Bloom is Prince Paris of Troy which is kind of a sissy name if you ask me, and the guy is a bit effeminate as well when it comes down to it, plus he's playing a coward here, so if I were him, I would have pretty much refused to have the pink parasol shading me from the sun.  Anyway, thank God/s he's at least standing next to his captive hottie, Diane Kruger (playing Helen), in the movie Troy.

Brad Pitt is obviously in this tent pole film as well... he's more than adequate as Achilles.  Plus, there's Eric Bana playing Hector and lots of other great actors kicking major *ss in this huge movie.  Most notably, one of the biggest stars in the film is the expansive special effects displaying the size and scope and visualization of the war maneuvers -- really bring these great battles to life.  Critics and history buffs will surely take shots at this film, but when it comes to big, fun, historical dramas, this one kills it.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Defiance" of any humor whatsoever

Kinda hard to write a blog post on a site that attempts to write funny commentary and/or reviews of movies and do so for Defiance -- a film about one thousand Jews who miraculously avoided concentration camps and death itself by hiding and running and hiding again in the forests... constantly avoiding air attacks, ground attacks, disease, starvation, inner-anarchy, in-climate weather and, er, pregnancy.

It's driven by these two guys, Liev Schreiber and Daniel Craig, brothers at war with each other, with the Germans and with the odds.  Total f*cking bad *ss and humble heroes.  It's a true story.  Done well every grueling step of the way.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...