FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" he's gonna f Marisa Tomei

Marisa Tomei is really hot, can totally act and likes to get n*p naked in movies.  Bless her heart because in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, she's gonna get f*cked just like practically every single character in this incredible film.  The movie is an awesome train wreck of bad luck that will have you makin' diamonds outta your dingleberries.  Similar to Fargo regarding Murphy's Law and the tone except that since there are no funny accents, there's nothing really saving you from wanting to cut your wrists by the time this one's over.

The movie is violent, sexy and presented in a jumbled time-line that, although seems a bit exhaustive, ultimately works and feels contemporary.  I say this because the film is directed by an 82-year-old!  Sh*t... hope I'm able to just play cards and wipe my own *ss when I'm that age, but Sidney Lumet seems to totally still have what it takes.  Being critical, the old man hasn't really had much going on in terms of great movies since his grand slam in the early '70's -- Serpico, Murder on the Orient Express, Dog Day Afternoon, and Network.  Anyway, he's back... judge for yourself... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Haunting in Connecticut" will scare your b*tch *ss back to Kokomo

So... I'm just now looking up the MPAA Rating for this movie because it is scary as sh*t, and someone just told me it was PG-13!  The film's generically called, The Haunting in Connecticut, AND it happens to also posses the confusingly similar name of another film of the same subject from a few years earlier called A Haunting in Connecticut!... now that sh*t just p*sses me right off!!  I mean, how in the f*ck can that happen?!... being both so unoriginal and yet so crafty that you can totally avoid copyright, trademark and/or whatever other law or governing body that should certainly have c*ckblocked a name infringement as obvious as that.  Well, anyway, if I can get myself out of this raging tangent, I'd like to compliment those unoriginal f*cks on making one h*ll of a scary movie.  I mean, this new one, creeped me out like crazy.  AND, maybe I saw some unrated version or something, or possibly I'm just a p*ssy, but this thing I saw certainly would give a z*t popper nightmares which would likely lead to a hall pass straight to middle school's most horrific wasteland -- the unpopular group.

Seriously, the film is super scary (which I love), but also, it is super graphic (which I'm not a huge fan of).  In fact, this crazy ectoplasm scene (shown in pic) is nothing at all (btw... that's the stuff that's supposed to ooze from the orifices of mediums during a seance [yeah, right]).  And I assume those wiley producers that stole the title of the movie are also throwing around their legal phantasms by way of cease and desist orders or something to bloggers putting up any more interesting pictures from the movie than this one because there are plenty of visuals that are way more interesting.  In an effort to reduce any spoilage and to keep the litigious specters from showing up in my inbox, I'll refrain posting any of those pix and just let you watch the also-cleansed movie trailer and read on because...

"Moon" has a dark side

Have you ever seen the crappy movie with Tom Hanks (yeah, I know, which one?), Cast Away?  Tom's a survivor in a FedEx plane crash and lives off the fat of the contents for a couple years.  He goes a little k-Nutter Butter and starts talking to a volley ball?  Well, Moon, a directorial debut starring Sam Rockwell as an operational employee of a giant mining conglomerate has him solo-stationed on the moon along with a monotoned robot (yeah, that also sounds familiar) voiced by Kevin Spacey, is a movie much like Cast Away, but much, much better.  And darker.  After a few years, in a great performance btw, Sam is supposed to get relieved on his mission and reunited with his family.  What ends up happening is, Sam gets reunited with himself.  Is he k-Nutter Butter himself?  Or is the robot f-ing with him?  Or is there some conspiracy?

These are just a few of the questions one asks himself after being alone for such lengths (along with "why are my palms hairy?").  The film is extremely slow and contemplative and trippy.  It's a solid movie that you'll enjoy if you aren't signing up for a sci-fi action flick.  Be prepared to think and bum out a bit.  It will keep you guessing (which is about the extent of the "fun" that you'll have with it).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Visioneers" are blind as bats

Zach Galifianakis, beeper-toting eccentric from The Hangover, stars as a well-paid cog in the largest, most profitable and "happiest" company in the world, Jeffers Corporation, in a directorial debut called, Visioneers.  This Orwellian film is Office Space meets Brazil and clearly, depressingly illustrates the trade-off (bureaucracy) for micromanaged, middle management to obtain a comfortable living in order to avoid the innovative, emotional and high-risk endeavors of a life outside the mega-corp.  Not only does this company manufacture widgets, but also, silly slogans and departments names and staffer titles and greetings including "have a Jeffers morning" and the ironic, official 'hi sign" Zach's graciously saluting to a co-worker in the pic (you'll need to see it to get it) -- all of which can't see and may not even be aware of a normal life and could not even imagine a hippie lifestyle outside the corp.

The only other face you'll recognize is that of Judy Greer.  As the robotic housewife seeking self-help, for exactly what, she is unaware.  Judy's hot in this one though.  I'm not sure if it's because she actually is or because she reminds me of the selling agent realtor that I met before buying my house.  She was smokin' hot but introduced herself with hands behind her back stating she avoided handshakes because she suffered from sweaty palm syndrome.  Maybe if she were fugly I would have been yucked out by that, but all I could think about is this hot blond giving me a sweaty, wet handj*b in the bathroom during an open house.  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Hot Fuzz" is everything but bumpin' fuzz

Director Edgar Wright does exactly the same thing he did for zombie movies with Shaun of the Dead for buddy cop movies here in Hot Fuzz -- that goes for the totally fun and convincing two leads, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, plus all the comedic chops, quick cuts, fast action, and film commentary all jam packed into a nearly-perfect buddy, action dark comedy.  Besides the kitchen sink, the only thing he leaves on the cutting room floor, presumably, is a few hot babes.  Literally, there are none.  WTF?!  Maybe he can follow-up with a sexploitaion action buddy comedy next time around.

This movie goes so f*cking machine gun fast that you better not blink or drink or wiz, or you'll simply miss a clever homage to some other buddy/action flick or not keep up with the rat, tat, tat dialogue delivered in thick Brit accents or possibly even lose your way in a fairly fast moving and solid story that's not to be out shown by all the other stuff going on.  If you haven't seen Edgar's work, it may take a little getting used to and may annoy in the onset, but trust me, you'll get up to speed and speak his film style by the climactic finish.  You'll see what I mean... just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"King of California" is rich with idiosyncrasy

There are so many peculiar little things stuffed into King of California -- the notion of a crazy man possibly being genius, the fantasy of finding buried treasure, the novelty of using a metal detector, the possibility of buying a clunker over eBay (and being under age), the odd visual of tract housing suburban sprawl eating your quiet rural home (and you can resist, and it just builds up around you), the harsh reality of working at McDonalds, that some people's parents are stoners who are in bands, that sulfur springs exist, and the list goes on and on and on.  Maybe none are exactly idiosyncratic (other than Michael Douglas's character), but it is rife with kitch or irony or cliché or something funky that I liked.

And Michael's performance as a kook is just priceless... he crazy kills it.  And Evan Rachel Wood is just adorable to a level that makes her pretty hot (to the extent that you can't hardly imagine that she needs to work at Mickey D's or has to drive a beater like that, I mean, there's gotta be a sugar daddy [or a post high school graduate pervert] willing to take care of a cute high school drop-out).  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Butcher Boy" hacks away at my memory

Eghads... running late on writing a post.  But totally thankful that my buddy came over the other day and nearly saw me fall down on my face from being so totally wasted from watching films.  I was completely at a creative block from not being inspired to write a post about anything that I've gorged upon.  And then, out of nowhere, he surfaced a movie that I had seen long ago and had been so utterly amazed by it that I must have gone for months telling people about it.  How I could have done that and then had if entirely fall from my memory banks, I just don't know.  I'm doomed.  So... I will give him a shout out... Burning Pictures.

If you couldn't tell from the pic, the film is called The Butcher Boy.  Holy f-ing sh*t.  The film is fantastical and imaginative and blunt.  And this kid is so intense that you'll be completely scared of him -- an Irish bully on the edge with a fat head and freckles.  Even worse, he's got a f*cked up home, and he starts to even loose his mind a bit as it appears... and what he is capable, well, I won't tell you if he does anything or not, but those hanging pigs have it lucky.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Watchman" *ss and watchwoman n*ps

 

Wow!  I f-ing loved Watchman.  I've been begging the movie-making Gods to please bring me a sci-fi movie that is even sort of as close to being as interesting as The Matrix.  Had I predicted that ten years later it would be a God with a name of Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) that would come in the form of a glowing, blue, naked man with a digitally enhanced schlong, maybe I would have stopped praying.  Glad I didn't because this movie rocked.  (Though maybe they could have quid pro quo digitally enhanced Carla Gugino's skeeter bites in equally engorged proportions as Crudup's noodle... oh well... Carla, as Silk Spectre, is still smokin' hot and brought out of obscurity and likely captured the desires of many-a-mortal man wanting to super-f the sh*t out of her.)

The film is an adaptation of the critically acclaimed graphic novel of the same name, and visually, has replicated cells of the novel directly into frames of the movie.  Amazing.  And the unwieldy story, that's been tossed around Hollywood for 20 years as an impossibility to bring to the screen, has finally been tastefully (besides all the man *ss), respectfully and thrillingly brought to life.  Kudos to director Zack Snyder (who also brought us 300).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Rachel Getting Married" and Hathaway getting shafted

Anne Hathaway was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actress in the movie, Rachel Getting Married.  Not sure if you've seen this one... I kind of thought it was a chick flick, so I shied away from it.  But it is a great dysfunctional-family drama that's got just a little bit of humor, so you don't just kill yourself while viewing.  Anne mastered her role as a drama queen who's all about me, me, me after getting released from rehab in time to attend her sister's wedding.  F*ck.  She nails it.  And her character is totally sympathetic because you find out that she has real reason to be just that f-ed up.

So how Meryl Streep was able to take the Oscar for her suitable performance in a waaay less complex role in the short-and-decent snoozer, Doubt, is beyond me (just one more reason for Anne's character to be totally f*cked in the head and drive off the road).  Anyway, all the supporting characters including the movie's namesake, Rosemarie DeWitt, are amazing as well.  Debra Winger is also in it but mostly a group of faceless others who make it feel like this could be any family and/or wedding in the neighborhood.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Heathers" is a great argument for home schooling

 

Shannen Doherty was the original host of Scare Tactics from the late 90's if memory serves me right (and got booted because she was difficult), and that show had a couple of episodes that had big foot attacking a camper van and one with an alien crash landing that just totally rocked my world.  I highly recommend trying track those down some time.  And she's obviously notorious when it comes to paparazzi and 90210, but have you ever seen the movie Heathers?  Shannen is in it and that's where she likely honed her b*tch skills.

The movie also stars Winona Ryder and Christian Slater and is about high school cliques and how evil they can be... so what better way to f with someone's popularity that to kill them.  This dark comedy goes there and was pretty controversial when it was released in the late 80's.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Spun" and games 'til somebody gets hurt

 

Spun is a film with a fun cast but a painful subject -- crystal meth.  I have seen plenty of drugs in my day and can watch many a movie on drugs and addiction of most any sort (even shopping).  But this one kind of made me sick to my stomach.  The direction gets a little dizzying and the intentional acne and the in-you-face, decent people turned low-lives living dirty whatever/wherever becomes a bit much.  And the constant bumps... they literally never stop for days and days.  The whole thing just kind of bumbs me out.

It's an indie comedy featuring the vogue again Mickey Rourke, the always deadpan Jason Schwartzman (who's got some naked chick with a 10 body, Chloe Hunter I believe, tied to his bed with her mouth and eyes covered with duct tape for days), the totally hot Brittany Murphy, a yucky teeth version of Mena Suvari, a dike-y Deborah Harry, and a Red Hot Chili Pepper "socks on c*cks" John Leguizamo.  Tweak out and watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Burn After Reading" and hachet after shooting

 

I swear to God I'm NOT in love with the Coen brothers.  But even after many people told me that Burn After Reading was not very good, and so I put off watching it for months, and then I watched it last night... I f*cking thought it was great (ok, maybe I am in [heart] with Joel and Ethan).  I think all of their movies are good or incredible.  With this one, maybe I now think it could have something to do with expectation setting, but really, there are many appealing things about it.  While this film is more of a dark comedy instead of a dark drama, it's a lot like Fargo in that it features "locals" who are about as sharp as a bowing ball and keep getting themselves deeper and deeper into trouble because of it.

Another totally cool thing about this movie is a "goofy" Brad Pitt.  I mean, how many times do we need to see "stud" Pitt.  Here, he is probably the roundest of all the goof [bowling] balls of all and is also traveling down the alley for a surprising and explosive strike.  That's another thing that's great about a Coen brothers movie... you just don't know what's going to happen next.  When George Clooney takes Frances McDormand down into his basement, I was scared sh*tless.  And when John Malcovich is on screen, who the f*ck knows what could happen.  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Ice Storm" is one way to warm up a party

 

I don't think there's been a single cocktail party for couples that I've been to in the past few years with my wife where someone hasn't made reference to a "key party."  Of course, knowing my luck, it's not actually happened as of yet.  Maybe these actually do happen at our friends' parties when we aren't invited or aren't able to attend.  I'm not sure.  But it certainly is on people's minds, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, then you haven't seen The Ice Storm.  Basically, husbands drop their keys into a bowl at the front door when they arrive at the party with their wives, and in raffle fashion, wives pick random keys out of the bowl at the end of the party, of which, determines which husband they go home with and bump fuzz.

Great concept which has become a meme from this movie, no doubt.  I suppose it happens somewhere now-a-days, but from the looks of it in this movie which is set in 1973 suburban Connecticut, the swinging concept used to be a bit more prevalent.  Regardless, the movie is incredible.  It's a drama  with some suble humor about family dysfunction (go figure) that will keep you frozen to the screen.  Christina Ricci (she's one of those understated, totally hot chicks that no one really notices because she wears baggy clothes, but when she's got something tight on, you can't stop staring at her big, round, er, eyes) stars in it along with Joan Allen, Sigourney Weaver, Kevin Kline, Elijah Wood, Katie Holmes, and Tobey Maguire.  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Talented Mr. Ripley" has surprising skills

 

Matt Damon is The Talented Mr. Ripley, and as he looks, is also a bookish outsider who's gotten a taste of the good life, and he's just not willing to stop without taking a bite, if not, eating the whole enchilada in this suspense thriller.  Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow are the ones who are livin' large (their normal lives of European heir and his hottie) and welcome Matt into their inner circle.  BTW... Gwyneth looks d*mn good in this one... and I thought I'd also note that, although maybe it was a body double, if you've seen her in that scene of Shallow Hal where she's (in her thin version obviously) bent over the kitchen counter.  OMFG!  You should rent that movie and take a mental snapshot.

Anyway, back to other fiendish thoughts... Matt sneaks himself into their lives and slowly reveals himself to be something that's not exactly as expected.  And if you see what a prick Jude is in this film, you end up rooting for the bad guy which becomes a lot of fun.  You'll see what I mean... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Chopper" is the Harley-Davidson of Aussy criminals

Mark Read is loud, big and showy with all his body paint.  He's Australia's most notorious criminal and somehow has taken his experiences and actually turned them into best-selling pulp novels... who says crime doesn't pay.  Well, there's a movie about this real guy titled from his nickname, Chopper.  The movie will knock your f*ckin' socks off.  It is a powerhouse of a film, and it's only partly due to the solid anti-hero story, the tight screenwriting and the low-fi directing; it's mainly due to the amazing performance by Eric Bana.

Sure... maybe you know him from Black Hawk Down, Troy, Hulk, or Munich, but take Eric's roles from every one of those films, and stuff 'em all into one character, put it on crack, electrocute it, and then just set that f*cker on fire, and that's about half of what it takes to describe what his character is like in this movie.  You won't believe it.  He will scare the living sh*t out of you.  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"In Bruges" and in heaps of trouble

 

In Bruges starring Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson is a quirky buddy comedy crime thriller that's a bit of an odd duck when it comes to movies.  It's actually really good but kinda tough to classify... suppose you'd say it's like an art house, foreign (though not foreign language) version of Lethal Weapon with a little quirk added in -- though I'm not sure you'd see it and agree with me.  And when I say it's not foreign language, well, it's one of those Colin Farrell movies, and that f*ck talks so damn fast that it might as well be Latin if you ask me.

The two hit men are hiding out as tourists in the Flemish city enjoying the beautiful architecture and you'll be pleased to know there's a few hot babes in it as well (Clémence Poésy and Thekla Reuten).  Strange things and people popping up in the flick including a little person (with an unusually large forehead) that you can see here... watch the movie trailer and read on because...