FilmBender: sh*tfaced on movies

"Zombieland" is the liveliest place on Earth

So the little girl in this picture is NOT Emma Stone.  And thank God Emma stars in this one because everyone else in this film is a rabid dog and just not pretty to look at.  Emma on the other hand is smokin', and it would be an understatement, btw, that the p*ss who plays the lead in Zombieland, Jessie Eisenberg, wants to dog f*ck her six ways to Sunday.  I mean, after she ditches him a few times, he still comes runnin' after her like a byotch -- even when she's surrounded by 100 zombies.  That's where I draw the line when it comes to chasin' skirt.

Anyway, my buddy and I just went to watch the film 'cause he's pretty much a girl and wouldn't go see Paranormal Activity.  I wasn't all that thrilled to see a cheesy zombie film -- especially one that's billed with a Michael Cera-wannabe, a nobody director, Abigail Breslin and Woody Harrelson.  Eh.  Pretty much was dreading the gross people eating people and whatever other crap was gonna be served up.  But then I was surprisingly entertained and was chortling and was even seriously considering biting the f*cking cheek right off this fugly chick sittin' right next to me (who was also delishiously enjoying herself).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Seven Pounds" aren't nearly as many times that I'd like to pound her

Seven Pounds is the feature follow-up from the Pursuit of Happyness director Gabriele Muccino (and also starring Will Smith).  Not sure why "Happyness" is spelled like that in the prior dramatic tear-jerker, but with this one, he's got the spelling right, the tears flowin' again, and he's poured on the heat (with Rosario Dawson).  But something's missing.  Maybe it's a bit schmaltzy or hoaky when you boil Seven down to it's premise.  Maybe it's something being "off" in Will's plight to find a "good" man to receive his Pound.  I can't quite put my finger on it.

But there are definitely two things that make this movie totally worth watching, and I'd be superficial if I said it was Rosario's two juicy lips.  But she is one of the reasons.  Sure, Will does a fine job as always, but wow is she smokin' hot and ripe for a little helpin'.  She can act, and you totally believe that she steals Will's heart.  But the biggest thing about this movie that will totally bring it right home and totally rip your f*cking heart out is when you find out exactly why Will is so tortured.  It could happen to any of us.  You won't find out what I'm talking about here, but watch the movie trailer and read on because...

Intermission: just surfing the web with Adriana Lima and Kelly Brook and clean teeth

Went to the dentist yesterday to get my six-month teeth cleaning.  I'm not sure if it's just me, but the sizzling hygienist is chiseling away at my teeth, filling my mouth with water, and using some vacuum to clean it out.  Sh*t's spraying out, and I'm gagging, and her face shield is spattered, and she's wiping funk on my bib.  The only way I could be more vulnerable and self-conscious is if my left nut was hangin' outta my shorts.  I have a headache.  I'm gonna wander the web and hope it goes away and rub my tongue along the  bottom row of teeth I just discovered:

• UCLA Undie Run?... I want to go back to college... check out hot co-eds in their undies (probably sh*tfaced) at Kontraband
• SpikedHumor has lots of cool vids from sexy chicks to a Pygmy Gecko that walks on water... just like Jesus
• For other cool random stuff (and even more babes and links to NSFW goo), go to GorillaMask.net
• And for safer stuff, cozy up with a smokin' hot photo gallery of Adriana Lima at AskMen.com
• TheDailyFix has the news/pics of the unbelievably beautiful Kelly Brook gettin creamy and naked in some London Theatre
• Doing my best to get beyond just oogling girls [not easy], how about Obama giving a little boy a brain freeze at DeadDog?
• Tempting as it is, will go to Bullz-Eye, ignore the babes, and go straight to movie reviews because Paranormal Activity is supposed to be totally f*cking scary
• aBum is a strange place... lots of media and babes... will let you choose
• Be sure to watch original web shows like He Said, She Said at Atom.com
• Closing off with movie trailers and other media, RedBalcony is the place... even a Ball's Beer could help this headache?

"Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" he's gonna f Marisa Tomei

Marisa Tomei is really hot, can totally act and likes to get n*p naked in movies.  Bless her heart because in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, she's gonna get f*cked just like practically every single character in this incredible film.  The movie is an awesome train wreck of bad luck that will have you makin' diamonds outta your dingleberries.  Similar to Fargo regarding Murphy's Law and the tone except that since there are no funny accents, there's nothing really saving you from wanting to cut your wrists by the time this one's over.

The movie is violent, sexy and presented in a jumbled time-line that, although seems a bit exhaustive, ultimately works and feels contemporary.  I say this because the film is directed by an 82-year-old!  Sh*t... hope I'm able to just play cards and wipe my own *ss when I'm that age, but Sidney Lumet seems to totally still have what it takes.  Being critical, the old man hasn't really had much going on in terms of great movies since his grand slam in the early '70's -- Serpico, Murder on the Orient Express, Dog Day Afternoon, and Network.  Anyway, he's back... judge for yourself... watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Hoop Dreams" and the pathetic nightmares that glom onto them

Please tell me you've seen Hoop Dreams.  Maybe since I'm from Indiana, this stuff is just in my blood, but I actually don't even watch hoops in my real life, and I still think this movie is a f*ckin' slam dunk.  Crazy, though, to witness how obsessed these kids and their families are on ball.  It hurts to see ignorant people (due to their environment) be so little with their big dreams, and literally, with their parents, siblings, friends, coaches, and everyone they know living through their snowball's chance at success.  You know these types... wear team jerseys/sweatshirts/caps (every day) they paid too much for... lives center around watching "the game" (and possibly betting on all of them)... endlessly studying the players and the stats... sometimes considers him/herself an athlete from years gone by... and definitely has some sports paraphernalia framed and hanging on a wall in their home or office.  The ignoramus could possibly be you.  If so, I apologize.

Here, the movie is filled with them.  The knuckleheads glom onto two boys, Arthur Agee and William Gates, and give them advice while the kids get recruited from inner-city public schools to potentially play at the Catholic high school that gave birth to Isiah Thomas.  Well, you get to live the roller coaster ride through high school and the white knuckle decent into the college application/recruiting process and the incredible outcome.  I'd tell you what that is, but you possibly aren't in a fantasy sports league or don't have a foam finger sitting on your bookshelf.  For you few, I'll just say you should watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"I Love You, Man" is this movie totally f*cking with me

First off, can we talk freckles?  Hot freckles on a mulatto babe or whatever sort of hot ethnicity or fortunately-prone-to-tanning skin-type this smokin' Rashida Jones happens to be.  I could look at her for hours.  Us ugly, pasty white guys (and I'm the whitest of all [Swedish]) who probably are smugglin' angry melanoma or some sh*t like that are likely just biased towards babes who are dark complected... and when they have freckles too, well, that makes it feel like she got there by sun bathin' and maybe we could have done that too.  That's right, we [pasty white guys] put oil on back in the 80's thinkin' we'd get tan too or something.  But we just turned red, bubbly and then peeled.  Don't matter.  We thought next time it'd be tan.  Yeah, we're white AND st*pid.  Anyway, Rashida is super duper purty.  Moving on...

I Love You, Man serves as her stage to move around.  A stage that happens to be mirroring some of my real life.  Maybe all middle-aged dudes think this as well (that guy friend relationships, maybe all relationships, have sat second fiddle to their wife and kid/s relationships).  Probably the right priority set, but somehow I think that the wife's relationships serve favor over the husband's.  Wahhh!  Suppose that's best when I'm just sittin' around watchin' four movies a day in my boxers.  Anyway, just glad I'm not the only putz on the planet this is happenin' to... just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"District 9" out of 10 aliens must be related to Predator

Babe-factor blowed, but really loved District 9 and loathed the thought of turning into a crustacean from space.  Guess that was the point and drove the thriller through to the very end.  But really, that ewes me out.  Turning into this guy and all.  Not sure I'd go so far as to choppin' off my thumber or anything whack like that, I mean, that would sting like sh*t.  I also wouldn't risk using a cell phone when Jean-Claude Van Damme's evil clone and military commander is on the hunt... that would be down-right st*pid.  But goin' right into the lion's den, a la Christian Slater into Gary Oldman's in True Romance, well, that sh*t's classic, so count me in.  Guess bein' part alien could be exciting after all.

If you have yet to see this, you haven't a clue as to what I'm talkin' about.  No matter 'cause this movie is extremely original with the sole exception of the alien look and style also along with the signature gurgling and clicking voice of Predator, so you'll want to see it and go while it's in all its glory on the big screen.  Not that it is particularly beautiful to look at, rather, it's just helpful in transporting you into a world that you frighteningly will recognize -- the setting and the circumstance (al beit the oppression is upon a, er, person with a different skin... green, fleshy and slimy).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Haunting in Connecticut" will scare your b*tch *ss back to Kokomo

So... I'm just now looking up the MPAA Rating for this movie because it is scary as sh*t, and someone just told me it was PG-13!  The film's generically called, The Haunting in Connecticut, AND it happens to also posses the confusingly similar name of another film of the same subject from a few years earlier called A Haunting in Connecticut!... now that sh*t just p*sses me right off!!  I mean, how in the f*ck can that happen?!... being both so unoriginal and yet so crafty that you can totally avoid copyright, trademark and/or whatever other law or governing body that should certainly have c*ckblocked a name infringement as obvious as that.  Well, anyway, if I can get myself out of this raging tangent, I'd like to compliment those unoriginal f*cks on making one h*ll of a scary movie.  I mean, this new one, creeped me out like crazy.  AND, maybe I saw some unrated version or something, or possibly I'm just a p*ssy, but this thing I saw certainly would give a z*t popper nightmares which would likely lead to a hall pass straight to middle school's most horrific wasteland -- the unpopular group.

Seriously, the film is super scary (which I love), but also, it is super graphic (which I'm not a huge fan of).  In fact, this crazy ectoplasm scene (shown in pic) is nothing at all (btw... that's the stuff that's supposed to ooze from the orifices of mediums during a seance [yeah, right]).  And I assume those wiley producers that stole the title of the movie are also throwing around their legal phantasms by way of cease and desist orders or something to bloggers putting up any more interesting pictures from the movie than this one because there are plenty of visuals that are way more interesting.  In an effort to reduce any spoilage and to keep the litigious specters from showing up in my inbox, I'll refrain posting any of those pix and just let you watch the also-cleansed movie trailer and read on because...

Intermission: with Megan, Audrina, and Kim [I wish]

I have recently "upgraded" to the TypePad new user interface to blog.  Maybe it was a glitch in the system before, but when I did these link dumps before, I could double space the bullets, and it looked great.  Now I can't.  Amazing how much worse it looks and how something that st*pid can really f*ck up my day:

• Going from p*ssed off to aroused can't be healthy... only CelebJihad and a Megan Fox photo gallery can trigger such a radical swing... thank you.
• Suppose Audrina Patridge starting off a Sorority Row photo gallery at AskMen.com can keep me in the mood.
• Sent my kids off to their first day of school today... thank God they aren't one of these hot naughty b*tches (courtesy of Kontraband)... d*mn... why can't I go back to school!
• Speakin' of filth... plenty to enjoy at GorillaMask.net.
• And TheDailyFix has one of our all-time favorites, Kim Kardashian, in a Barbie tribute photo shoot.
• If you thought DeadDog found the secret to happiness, well, you might want to re-consider your sources.
• Try aBum instead... there's at least some sexy and funny and f-ed up media there to get you through the day.
• Speaking of that, Atom.com has the most compelling original media on the web... there's plenty to plow through... I of course, gravitate to Sexual Intercourse: American Style.
• Changing course to the fabest thing to hit gaming and music, ever, Bullz-Eye has The Beatles: Rock Band review.
• And moving onto funny commercials... The Bachelor Guy is definitely getting it in the can.
• Quickly, I will move to a movie trailer since this is supposed to be a movie blog... AfroJacks helped me find a random one that I must see for reasons, of which, I am unable articulate... Up in the Air.
• Done.  I need a drink.  BoozeTime.

"Moon" has a dark side

Have you ever seen the crappy movie with Tom Hanks (yeah, I know, which one?), Cast Away?  Tom's a survivor in a FedEx plane crash and lives off the fat of the contents for a couple years.  He goes a little k-Nutter Butter and starts talking to a volley ball?  Well, Moon, a directorial debut starring Sam Rockwell as an operational employee of a giant mining conglomerate has him solo-stationed on the moon along with a monotoned robot (yeah, that also sounds familiar) voiced by Kevin Spacey, is a movie much like Cast Away, but much, much better.  And darker.  After a few years, in a great performance btw, Sam is supposed to get relieved on his mission and reunited with his family.  What ends up happening is, Sam gets reunited with himself.  Is he k-Nutter Butter himself?  Or is the robot f-ing with him?  Or is there some conspiracy?

These are just a few of the questions one asks himself after being alone for such lengths (along with "why are my palms hairy?").  The film is extremely slow and contemplative and trippy.  It's a solid movie that you'll enjoy if you aren't signing up for a sci-fi action flick.  Be prepared to think and bum out a bit.  It will keep you guessing (which is about the extent of the "fun" that you'll have with it).  Just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"The Orphanage" is a horr[or] house

Now dats some scary f*cking sh*t.  These words came into my head many, many times while watching this Spanish-language film, titled The Orphanage (or El Oranato if you are fluent in salsa).  I was on the edge of my seat and guessing what might happen next and was never right (which might be a broader issue of mine, but let's table that for the moment).  The movie feels a bunch like The Others, and even looks as good, but probably cost a tenth of the budget to produce.  There's no Jessica Alba, and no M. Night Shyamalan, and no bloody special effects.  And it's not one of those super low-fi (a la Blair Witch) sort of films... it's a real movie (albeit the director's debut) featuring nobody's (who all put on exceptional performances) without expensive gore (that generally put on cheap thrills anyway), without the cameo or even the hot naked chick.  But trust me... without them frills or them ho's, this is one incredible house of horror!

The beautiful estate happens to be the orphanage that the lead character (the mom) happened to grow up in.  She purchased it as an adult with her husband and their young son -- not to be an orphanage though, rather, a place for them to live and serve as a facility for disabled children.  Want to know the twist?... just watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Julie & Julia" are NOT time-traveling lesbians

Probably a pretty strange movie for me to be reviewing, and no, I was not mistaken thinking this was a time-traveling lesbian movie (which actually sounds like a pretty good premise), but since my wife is a cook, I suppose you can see why I actually ended up seeing Julie & Julia.  It's actually a pretty d*mn good movie (even if you're a pig like me).  Meryl Streep is an extremely gifted actress, obviously.  She's got Julia Childs charisma, mannerisms, strange "accent" and disarming presence down pat.  And there's really nothing like watching people cook good food (I think the unemployed stoners of the world are actually the ones who keep The Food Network and all these crazy cooking shows in business and NOT the housewives wanting to learn how to make something other than Hamburger Helper).

It's nuts to think that Julia Childs gave birth to the cooking show phenomenon, but it's true.  She's totally not the demographic of today's cooking show chefs (read: young and hot) -- she didn't even stumble upon this skill (not cooking nor being a TV personality) until she was probably sans-uterus.  Great story but will let you watch it if you want to find out for yourself.  It also stars that kinda cute chick, Amy Adams.  You'd think I would skip doing a review on this, but actually, Amy's role in this tale-of-two-true-stories is what inspired me to do it -- she blogged about doing a recipe-a-day from Julia's famous cook book, she got HUGE traffic, notoriety and a book deal, etc.  How times have changed for a blogger (who are now a dime a dozen).  I'll just keep typing and get more depressed while you go ahead and watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Visioneers" are blind as bats

Zach Galifianakis, beeper-toting eccentric from The Hangover, stars as a well-paid cog in the largest, most profitable and "happiest" company in the world, Jeffers Corporation, in a directorial debut called, Visioneers.  This Orwellian film is Office Space meets Brazil and clearly, depressingly illustrates the trade-off (bureaucracy) for micromanaged, middle management to obtain a comfortable living in order to avoid the innovative, emotional and high-risk endeavors of a life outside the mega-corp.  Not only does this company manufacture widgets, but also, silly slogans and departments names and staffer titles and greetings including "have a Jeffers morning" and the ironic, official 'hi sign" Zach's graciously saluting to a co-worker in the pic (you'll need to see it to get it) -- all of which can't see and may not even be aware of a normal life and could not even imagine a hippie lifestyle outside the corp.

The only other face you'll recognize is that of Judy Greer.  As the robotic housewife seeking self-help, for exactly what, she is unaware.  Judy's hot in this one though.  I'm not sure if it's because she actually is or because she reminds me of the selling agent realtor that I met before buying my house.  She was smokin' hot but introduced herself with hands behind her back stating she avoided handshakes because she suffered from sweaty palm syndrome.  Maybe if she were fugly I would have been yucked out by that, but all I could think about is this hot blond giving me a sweaty, wet handj*b in the bathroom during an open house.  Anyway, watch the movie trailer and read on because...

"Gonzo" is a f*cked up, wicked, and genius Forest Gump

 

From director Alex Gibney (Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room and contributing director of the film version of Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner's best-selling Freakonomics), Gonzo is the adventuresome documentary on the smart and freaky, Hunter S. Thompson.  Johnny Depp narrates the trippy life of the shocking journalist who gave birth to much, much more than a bunch of snarky movie reviews and who also either serendipitously stumbled upon the most definitive cultural events during his lifetime in Forrest Gump-fashion, or more likely, trail blazed and catalyzed each in first-person and jabbed his typewriter and society with a choking exhaust of truth.

From the The Hells Angels to the Chicago Riots, Hunter covered what he saw in a rich, Truman Capote style prose that got everyone's attention.  The notorious rise was amped up by more booze and drugs and fear and loathing than most can imagine or survive.  And thus most likely is what you'll note as what caused him to pull the trigger and blow his brains out in Aspen -- the town that he nearly became protector with pen and shotgun as Sheriff -- in the golden years of his life.  Watch the movie trailer and read on because...

Intermission: I know, I know... lots of T n A

Ok... so besides watching movies, I think I've come to the conclusion that I must be a pig.  Total obsession with babes and beer and cheeseburgers (with lots of pickles).  No use fighting it... going to just give in and eat, drink and:

• Wow... Aida Iveliz has a hard name to pronounce and a hard body to pounce... check out that backdoor at GorillaMask.net

• And AskMen has a gallery from Miami Swim Fashion Week... lots of skinny, hot babes with crazy eyes and big-*ss hair

• Megan Fox lickin' her lips as she eats up Comic-Con... DailyFix has the pix

• Continuing the theme, The Bachelor Guy has an open letter to my beloved Megan Fox

• If you can't find a funny video clip at Kontraband, you're a dork

• DeadDog has a pic that reminds me of the Ween album cover, Chocolate and Cheese, probably the best ever made (album cover and album)... a chick with big, round canisters poking out of the bottom of a cut-off t-shirt

• Parkour was a big web meme a few years back (even in a Bond movie and that Luc Besson film, District B13), you know, running around cities and jumping off buildings, etc.... aBum has a funny parkour parody

• The tree vagina and other super duper important photos at AfroJacks

• WiiHotties let's us appreciate some amateur T n A... wish I had the guts to show off my junk like that

• And, of course, gotta finish Intermission with another beer... BoozeTime has more than I could possibly consume (probably)

"Hot Fuzz" is everything but bumpin' fuzz

Director Edgar Wright does exactly the same thing he did for zombie movies with Shaun of the Dead for buddy cop movies here in Hot Fuzz -- that goes for the totally fun and convincing two leads, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, plus all the comedic chops, quick cuts, fast action, and film commentary all jam packed into a nearly-perfect buddy, action dark comedy.  Besides the kitchen sink, the only thing he leaves on the cutting room floor, presumably, is a few hot babes.  Literally, there are none.  WTF?!  Maybe he can follow-up with a sexploitaion action buddy comedy next time around.

This movie goes so f*cking machine gun fast that you better not blink or drink or wiz, or you'll simply miss a clever homage to some other buddy/action flick or not keep up with the rat, tat, tat dialogue delivered in thick Brit accents or possibly even lose your way in a fairly fast moving and solid story that's not to be out shown by all the other stuff going on.  If you haven't seen Edgar's work, it may take a little getting used to and may annoy in the onset, but trust me, you'll get up to speed and speak his film style by the climactic finish.  You'll see what I mean... just watch the movie trailer and read on because...